When am I ready to date?
That’s one of the many questions I asked myself after I went through my divorce and divorce recovery.
Dating in midlife and beyond can be scary, but the most important insight I gained from having gone through my own journey is that emotional healing and relationship readiness needs to be in place before you date again.
Dating after divorce, widowhood or after a long-term relationship can be complicated and if you aren’t careful you will bring your baggage from your last relationship to future relationships, until you heal your past. And that’s just one of the many reasons this podcast is a must listen!
In this episode, I share my personal stories and thoughts on after-divorce relationships, widowhood, and dating in midlife. I also share my top 8 signs you are ready to date again.
Highlights from my top 8 signs:
- Tell tale signs that you are NOT ready to date yet.
- Why healing from your last relationship is important.
- Why having a supportive social network can help during the dating process.
- Why working on your communication skills and learning to verbalize your needs in a relationship is vital.
- Learning to own and acknowledge your part in your last relationship is key to not repeating the same pattern.
- Why letting go of the need for that apology from your ex can be freeing.
- The importance of enjoying your own company and having hobbies you love outside of dating can be a super attractor.
- What dating worth is and why you need to up yours!
- And more…
This is the first of a 4 part series I’m dropping in the month of February, so pop in those ear buds and find out if it's time for you return to the dating scene!
Here’s to finding love and letting love find us!
Laurie
Click here for my “Date Differently" in Midlife Course that starts Feb 28th, 2024
Click here for my “Top 8 tips for Talking to Men in Midlife"
Click here for my Core Values Exercise
Sign up for my newsletter here to stay up to date on my upcoming offerings and podcast interviews!
Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go
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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer. And now podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions, and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds turn up the volume. And let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose-driven life. One confession at a time.
Happy February Freebirds. Since February is the month of love, I am going to be talking about dating in midlife and beyond for the next at least three, maybe four episodes. And I thought, a good place to start is to talk about how do we know if we are ready to date again. So today's conversation applies to those listeners who are divorced or widowed. I know losing your husband, who you loved is very different than a divorce, especially if you wanted the divorce. But they're still a loss that needs to be grieved, no matter how the marriage ended. So many of these various points that I'm going to make today will apply to both. So why is it important to know if you're ready? Why do we even need to discuss it. Because some of the people I see just jump from one relationship to another, both friends and clients. And we don't take the time to reflect on our past relationship because we don't want to be alone. Or we completely go the opposite direction and we shut down our desire to find a partner because we don't want to get hurt again. Or we don't want to feel like we are the caretakers to our partners.
But here's the thing, if you have a yearning, or a pole or a desire to date, if you do it right, you can find a true partner, not a project. And then there's a scenario that you're secretly looking to be taken care of. And that's going to attract the wrong type of person as well. So I came up with eight signs to know that you're ready to start dating again. You don't need all eight of these to be ready, I would say the top three, maybe four are the most important. And the rest are nice to have if you're ready to date, or if you're ready to explore the idea of dating.
So one, your ex doesn't have a hold on you any longer. What do I mean by that? Your ex is no longer in the forefront of your mind on a daily basis. And you no longer wonder whether your relationship could have worked. If they fill in the blank, or you no longer secretly yearn for them to come back in your life and repair what had gone wrong in your relationship. You've grieved what could have been, what should have been, maybe even for me it was the ideal family that I thought if I created with save me. You are at peace with the past and you only communicate with him for necessary issues such as shared custody, Kid issues, if there are adults, children, joint investments, sharing holidays, those types of things.
Number two, you've given yourself ample time to heal your past. And you've worked with either a certified coach, a licensed therapist, or if you can't afford either one of those, you've done a self help course, and read some books, so you can understand what went wrong. This timeframe is very different for everyone. But I often say you need to feel to heal. So you need to shed some tears and allow yourself to grieve that loss. It's okay to curl up in a ball, on your couch, on your bed in a fetal position, and cry. That's a form of release. And we need to release what is stored in our bodies, what's stored in our nervous system. So that way, we can be ready for our next relationship. You've let go of most of your anger and resentment because what you don't want to do when you're dating is you don't want a trauma bond over your exes in a new relationship.
When I first started dating, which was probably too early, I admit, I talked about my ex way too much. And through that dating experience, I learned to keep it at a minimum, especially in the beginning. You talk very basic of about what went wrong. But you don't go into all the gory details and spend a half an hour explaining why your ex is such an awful person. If you work with the right person, they can help you heal slowly and safely in a what we call in somatic training, the window of tolerance. So yes, you're going to feel but you're not going to be retraumatized. A good therapist, a good coach will help you do that. If you don't do the work, you will most likely repeat that same pattern of your last relationship. Just plug and play. You're just putting a new person in the old situation, and you will recreate the past.
Number three, you've owned your part in your past relationship, or relationships and can see how your behavior contributed to the fall out of that last failed relationship, if divorced, or you were just dating. If you are widowed, maybe you're looking at your relationship and looking at the parts that you would like to improve in your next relationship. And know what you'd like to be different. And look at how you might be able to either set things up at the beginning, so they're different, or ask for your needs to be met in a different way. Or choose a different guy who also has those skills. Awareness is the first step and is essential if you want your next relationship to be different. We are so good at pointing out our partner's bad behavior and what they're doing to trigger us what they should be doing different. But what about looking at how you might be able to take care of your own triggers. How can you parent yourself? Maybe you look at it from your adult self-parenting that little child within that may have not gotten her needs met when she was young. How long did you allow X behavior to go on?
Did you stuff your needs down? Are you able to verbalize them during your relationship? Did you think that if you just showed them how you wanted to be treated by treating them that way that they weren't going to change. Or, like me, I didn't have any needs in my relationship, in my marriage, until I did. I remember sitting down in therapy for the very first time, and it was couples therapy. And of course, my ex husband didn't show up for that couples therapy session because he was traveling. So that should have been a clue to me. But I remember going through this long list of all the things I wanted to change about him, because I didn't address my needs throughout the relationship. And when I did, they would often be discounted, which was also a sign.
Number four, you've created a tribe of healthy friendships, and have developed interests and hobbies outside of work. Or if you're retired, outside of working out, and some of the basic things that you do throughout the day. My female tribe was crucial after I left my marriage. I worked on creating a very strong tribe, while I was in my marriage. So by the time I left, it was solid, which, at the time, I didn't know how valuable that was going to be at various points throughout my divorce, and especially about a year and a half, after my divorce was final, and I felt very ill, and I needed my friends there daily to take care of me.
Number five, you've let go of needing an apology for closure. I often talk to women and clients who want their ex to apologize, or have remorse for cheating, or betrayal, or whatever their part was in the demise of the relationship. Not receiving that apology is the closure. Let me say that, again. Not receiving an apology from your ex is the closure. I remember being at that point where I wanted closure, I wanted my ex to apologize for what had gone wrong and own his part. And over time, I slowly let that go. I finally did receive one from my ex. It was probably three ish years after we had separated. And there may have been a little ulterior motive behind that apology, which I won't get into right now. But it did feel good. And I had a good cry over it. But by the time I got to that point, I had let go of needing one. And that's an important place to be because there's freedom in that. There's freedom of knowing that you are a good person, that you are deserving of somebody better than your ex. And you don't need him to validate that.
So before I go on to the next four signs that you're ready to date, I just wanted to let you know, I'll be offering my date differently in midlife course starting on Wednesday, February 28 at 4pm. It is a wonderful program that I've received so much positive feedback about it's a signature course that I put together packed with all the things that I did while dating, plus other tips. So amongst many other things that consists of six live 75 minute intimate group coaching calls, practical tools to dissolve your fears, and free your mind of those beliefs and stories that are holding you back from finding your ideal partner. Understanding your attachment styles, and what to look for in a partner. Meditations so you can tap into what a secure relationship feels like, even if you've never had one. Weekly soulful homework so you can get clarity around what you do want and don't want. And a clear understanding of what you value and what your partner values will be. You'll learn to love and date yourself while waiting for Mr. Right to come into your life, and so much more. This program will give you the clarity you need, so you can attract the man you desire.
So, moving on to number six, you are comfortable being alone and don't need a partner to feel complete. But you still want one. I remember when I first started dating, I had this strong yearning to be in a relationship. And that was my anxious attachment style showing up. And I probably, as I said earlier, started dating too soon. But after three and a half years of dating, I was in such a great place. I had been working with a therapist, I had been working through some of my somatic experiences, some of the trauma, leaving my marriage, changing my mindset. And we were coming out of the pandemic. And I was just happy with a life I had created for myself. I knew I wanted a partner. But I trusted that they were coming in when they were supposed to. And I accepted that I didn't know when that was going to happen and was just happy living my life and doing all the things I love like hiking, and skiing and traveling. And I trusted that they were going to come in. And I continued to put myself out there. And I continued to put positive, friendly energy and Juju out there. That's so important.
Number seven, you've worked on your communication skills. What do I mean by that? Well, as you may or may not have read, lack of communication is the number one reason relationships fail. I know that that's one of the reasons mine failed. And I had a part in that. Ideally, both you and your partner are a team and you help support each other. You can recognize your emotions and communicate your needs and wants and discuss it in a way that you can be heard. And you can hear your partner without getting defensive. You are comfortable talking about your feelings. What you like about the person what you don't like about the person, how they make you feel. You know what type of relationship you're looking for, and feel comfortable communicating it on the dating apps on a first date. I remember when I first met my current boyfriend, Jeff, that I've been dating over two years now. And when we first met, one of the things he asked me was what are you looking for? And I had been dating for a while. And I said I'm looking for a long term relationship. He hadn't been dating at all since he and his wife split. And he said, I don't know if I'm ready for that. And as hard as it was because we had chemistry, there was definitely compatibility and a connection. I left that date ready to move on because he wasn't available. I was not going to compromise. I was not just going to be somebody he could date with benefits. So as hard as it is, be clear, and be strong and stand your ground.
And last but not least, number eight, you are willing to make this i priority in your life. I run a dating support group, once a month, and I often hear women talk about Well, I'm just gonna do my thing and see if somebody comes into my life. They don't put the effort into it. You ideally want to have the space in your heart to let somebody in, which goes back to one of the other points I made earlier, and is healing, do you have space in your heart? You're willing to make this a priority. You're willing to spend time on the apps, if you're online dating, you're willing to put yourself out there and agree to do things that you might not otherwise do. Pick up a hobby that you've been wanting to pick up. Maybe you want to learn how to play golf, maybe you want to learn to play pickleball. putting yourself out there is super important. And it's a great way to meet new people. But I can't stress enough, don't do it just to meet somebody. Pick up an activity that you truly love that you're interested in pursuing. Because otherwise, it's not really authentic. And anything worthwhile in life typically doesn't fall in your lap. It takes time and energy and attention.
To recap, the eight ways you know you're ready to date in midlife and beyond. One, your ex doesn't have a hold on you any longer. Number two, you've given yourself ample time to heal and worked with a certified coach, a licensed therapist, or you've done a lot of reading. Maybe you've done a self help workbook, or you've looked internally. Number three, you've owned your part in your last failed relationship. Or if you're widowed, maybe you look at the parts of your relationship you'd like to be different and how you might be able to do that. Number four, you've created a tribe of healthy friendships, and have developed interest in hobbies outside of work. Number five, you've let go of needing an apology for closure. Number six, you are comfortable being alone and don't need a partner to feel complete. Number seven, you've worked on your communication skills so you know how to ask for what you need in the relationship. And number eight, you are willing to make dating a priority in your life.
So I hope this helps you assess if you're ready to date. Again. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out. And again remember, I do have my date differently in mid life course. Starting on Wednesday, February 28 at 4pm Please send me an email if you have any questions or if you want to jump on a real quick inquiry call to see if you're ready. I'd love to chat with you. Until next time, Freebirds.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter. So you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more Freedom in their second or third act also until next time