Where do I start? What do I want? How do I date again in midlife? How do I manage rejection?
Oh, and what are the dating rules you have to follow to find the person I desire?
Your concerns about dating are valid and if any of these questions have popped into your head as you contemplate dating again or you are about to dip your toe back into the dating pool in midlife after years of being out, then today’s episode is for you!
Today I’ll give you practical tips and encouragement so you can overcome the fear of dating again. Confidence is key and that takes practice when you are searching for the person you desire.
I’ve been through it and helped many others through it too! And I’m telling you: you are not alone.
In this episode, I will give you 8 dating tips so dating in your 50s or 60’s won’t be as scary as you think it will be. Think of these tips as the stepping stones to find your most fulfilling relationship.
In this episode, I share with you:
- How embracing discomfort can set you up for success and build courage and confidence.
- What jelly beans have to do with dating?
- Learn to allow dating to be a journey of self-discovery and a personal growth journey.
- How can practicing friendliness improve your dating skills and help with general loneliness?
- Why it’s important to overcome your ‘crappy’ dating beliefs and a short exercise that will help shift your dating mindset.
- What is dating worth and why is it important for you to increase yours?
- How do I trust someone I’m dating?
- How to view rejection in dating differently.
- And so much more!
So pop in those ear buds and learn to take your dating power back!!
The number 8 keeps showing up in my podcast so I Googled it. The number 8 represents victory, prosperity, and balance and that’s my wish for you through your dating process.
This is part 2 of a 4 part series that I’ll be releasing this February where I share dating lessons and tips to help you get back into the dating scene.
Here’s to finding lasting love together!
XO,
Laurie
Click here for my “Date Differently in Midlife” Course that starts Feb 28th, 2024
Click here for my “Core Values Exercise”
Click here for my “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”
Sign up for my newsletter here to stay up to date on my upcoming offerings and podcast interviews!
Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go
Send us a Text Message.
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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
Welcome to Confessions of a Free Bird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer. And now podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions, and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume. And let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose-driven life, one confession at a time.
Welcome back Freebirds. Today we are going to continue our discussion on dating and midlife. This is the second episode in a series of four that I am going to be offering. And before we get started on today's topics, I want us to just take a moment and remind all of you as you begin dating or as you are exploring your dating options, it's a good reminder to know that you get to decide what type of relationship you want in midlife and beyond. And there's freedom in that. If you don't want to get married, you don't have to get married. If you don't want to live with somebody, you don't have to live with somebody. And you are not responsible for anybody else financially, except for yourself. And if you do have strong religious beliefs or a strong desire to get married, that's okay, too. There's no right or wrong around any of this.
So, I just wanted to start and preface our conversation with that. But as you are starting to dip your toe in the dating pool, you might be asking yourself, where do I start? What do I want? How do I date again, after not dating for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years? What if I get rejected? These are all normal and real concerns. And today, I'm going to address these questions and more. I'm going to talk about what I call dating worse. And several things that you can do to put yourself back out in the dating pool with confidence so you can find the person you desire.
So I have eight tips for dating in midlife. And the first one is get comfortable with being uncomfortable. if you want to date, but you might have some fear underneath it, you may not want to hear this, but you will need to step out of your comfort zone. Dating has never been in a comfortable experience for me. It wasn't in my 20s. And when I first started dating in my 50s, it wasn't comfortable either. But in my 50s, I was able to get more comfortable with it. So towards the end, I didn't get nervous. I knew how to have a conversation. And I was able to sit back and observe instead of trying to make this other person like me. I took it as an opportunity to observe if this person is the right person for me. And that comes with wisdom. One of the things that was very important to me when dating was can I see this other person that sitting across the table from me, can I see them fitting into my family? Because my family and my daughters are really important to me and so that was a very important piece. And if I couldn't see them sitting across the table from my kids and engaging in a conversation, I didn't waste my time. I may have continued the dinner, or the happy hour that I was there with that individual. And I thank them maybe the next day for their time and just said, something along the lines of you are a great person, and you have a lot of great qualities. But I don't think we're a match. And that takes practice. But going back to my original point, we need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And the more you do it, and the more you put yourself out there, the more comfortable you will get. And consistency, just like anything is key.
Number 2. Date a variety of people that maybe you would normally not date. You're a different person than you were 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago. And I'm going to share a really quick story with you. After I left my marriage, and I was first starting to date, the therapist that I was seeing at the time gave me a piece of really good advice. And that was taste has many different flavors of jelly beans in the jelly jar. And I did, I took her advice at heart. And I probably went on over a period of three and a half years, probably over 40 dates, until I found the person that I'm dating now.
Number 3. Use this dating experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself. What you like what you don't like, maybe you even have a journal and you come home and have notes. I liked these qualities about this individual. But I didn't like those qualities. What type of guys are you attracted to? Are you attracted to men who are typically emotionally unavailable? Is that a pattern for you? Dating is a great way for us to turn the mirror in and use it as a self-discovery opportunity. It's also a great way with awareness to break our old patterns of dating. So that way, we don't make the same mistakes we have in the past, because your ex is an ex for a reason. And there are two people in every relationship. So we can sit here and blame our exes for everything that went wrong. But we also played a part in that relationship. So looking within, what was our part in that? And how do you want to show up differently this time around?
Number 4. Practice makes better, not perfect. What do I mean by that? Practice being friendly with people. You don't have to be flirty. You don't have to like wear low cut tops. But just practice being friendly. Even if it's just being friendly, starting with your girlfriends' husbands. Talk to them get comfortable talking to men again, if you're not comfortable doing that. Talk to your friends’ partners. Be friendly with the guy standing in front of you at the coffee shop or at the grocery store. Smile. Smile a lot. I had a client that I encouraged to do this. And she shared a story about when she went to Nordstroms. And she was really surprised with how it helped her connect with others. So those external connections are not only good for our loneliness and our desire for human connection, but they're good practice so that way, when we are on a date, we can feel comfortable talking to somebody, and be able to let our guard down a little bit. Become a little bit more vulnerable. What I also say around this is look at dating like you are interviewing for the most important job you've ever had. Or you can even view it as you're interviewing the most important employee within your company. So typically, if you are a person who has ever interviewed, which everybody has, or if you've ever been in a management position and hired other people, finding a good quality employee, as you know, is not always easy. And so dating is very similar. I know we often want this to fall in our lap. And we don't want to put a lot of effort into this, because of the uncertainty, because of rejection, because of the underlying fear. But if we change our viewpoint or perspective, sometimes it makes it a little bit easier.
So before I go on any further, I want to remind you of my Date Differently in Midlife course that's coming up on Wednesday, February 28, at 4pm. It is my signature six-week course that I created. And these are all the steps and things that I went through to find a great partner that I have been with now, Jeff, for over two years. We dive deep into our belief systems and the stories that are holding us back. I talk about attachment styles, your values, the values you want in a partner. There's meditations that I offer to have you go a little deeper, and really visualize the individual that you want. There's soulful homework every week, because I want you to walk away with a real clear understanding of what you deserve, and desire in your next partner. So if you're interested in learning more about my Date Differently course, you can click the link in the show notes, or go to my website, Laurieejames.com. And click on courses and all the information is there.
So, number 5, keep your crappy dating beliefs in check. This is a topic I go much deeper into in my six-week course. And do some gentle somatic work around this as well because our beliefs are important for us to become aware of and work through so we can change our behavior around them. But I'm going to walk you through a real simple way that can change your perspective about a belief. So take a moment to think of a negative thought that you have around dating. Just let the first thought that comes to you arrive and let's go with that. The thought that I'm going to use as an example is all men my age only want to date younger women. It's one I hear often. And are there men that only want to date younger women? Yes. Do all men my age only want to date younger women? No. In fact, the very first date I went on, the man who I went out with was five years younger than I was. Now we only had one date. But right there is evidence that that's not true. But let's go back to your thought whatever thought that is. And I want you to take a moment as you're thinking about this thought. What do you feel inside? Do you feel anything inside? Maybe you feel a sense of restriction as you're having this thought? Where do you feel that in your body? Just notice that. Notice how a thought can affect a feeling in your body. Even though it might not be true. Can you find three pieces of evidence of how your thought is not true? So for me and my thoughts, one of them is, I dated somebody that was five years younger. So that's not true that all men only want to date younger women. I have dated men my age, and the man that I'm with now is four years older than I am. And that doesn't feel like much of an age difference to me. But based off of your thought, look around for evidence of how that thought is not true. Maybe you look at friends, or family members, look at couples that are out to dinner, that give you evidence of the opposite of this crappy dating belief. Our thoughts are always going to try and keep us safe, safe from the uncertainty, safe from the unknown. But if we can recognize them, and take a step back and become the observer of our thoughts, and not attach our behaviors to them, that's a huge victory and a step in the right direction. If you still can't move past your crappy dating beliefs, then you may need to do some deeper work, some deeper somatic work with me or someone else that you trust, a therapist, because our old wounds and patterns will show up in our intimate and dating relationships, until we heal them.
Number 6, increase or improve your dating worth. What do I mean by that? What is dating worth? Dating worth is self-worth as it relates to dating. I have friends and clients who have built successful companies, raised incredible children, and yet, they second guess themselves when it comes to dating and relationships. They use excuses like their crappy dating beliefs to keep them from putting themselves out there, or putting any effort into it. If it happens, maybe I'll date but I'm not going to put any effort into it. That Juju isn't going to be received by others. It's not going to emanate openness and vulnerability. And we need to be in a place where we can do both to be able to attract somebody that we desire. So getting back to the dating worth, things to consider when you're thinking about your dating worth, you aren't going to settle for bread crumbs. Someone who just kind of leaves enough to keep you interested, but yet won't commit or take the relationship to the next step. They move super slow, and they might text you every couple of days to stay in contact with you. But maybe you haven't seen them in two months. They ask how you are or they tell you they're thinking about you. But they don't ask you out on a date. Mixed signals. You don't deserve to have mixed signals either with someone who's unsure. That's a reflection that they're not ready. But don't settle for that. Up your dating worth. If somebody is sending you mixed signals. Hot, cold, I like you, I don't, I'm unsure. That is information and you deserve someone who sends one signal. And that is, I'm interested in you, and I'm going to show that to you. You deserve someone who accepts you, for all of you, the good, the bad, the wrinkles, scars, the gray hair, your moodiness, all of it, it's part of the package. And we should also accept our partner in that same light. And if we can't, maybe we need to do a little more work on ourselves, or they're not the right person for us. You don't chase anybody, you attract. You wait for them to reach out to you. On the dating app, you mirror what they give you. If they say hi, say hi back. If they asked to talk, then you say yes. But you don't chase. If you have to chase, you're lowering your dating worth. And also, if you feel like you have to chase, or you feel like you are settling for any of these things, maybe you need to circle back to your beliefs because we attract what we believe about ourselves. And if we don't feel like we're worthy, and our dating worth is at somewhere between an eight and a 10, we're not going to attract somebody who's an eight or a 10 in our mind. And you don't accept a poor behavior, even if they've had childhood trauma, that doesn't make it okay to treat somebody poorly.
Number 7, trust. How do I trust somebody I don't even know? This is a question I often get in my dating support group. And also, I hear people trust others inappropriately. And I'm going to go back to my original question of how do I trust somebody I've never met? You don't. There's what I call appropriate, measurable trust. You trust somebody at the appropriate level. For instance, they ask you out on a date. You trust that they're going to follow through on that. You let them tell you where you're going and where you're meeting. And you meet them there. That is a step of trust, great. He followed through on making a reservation or getting back to you on where you're going to meet. He says he's going to call you and he does. That's another measure of trust. And trust is earned. It is not a right. So if you have somebody very early on, saying, well, why don't you trust me? That is a red flag. Trust, again, is built over time. And that might be even years. Let their actions speak louder than their words.
Number 8, rejection. I hated rejection. Nothing feels good about rejection. It fucking hurts. And none of us want to feel that again. But we have to have some level of vulnerability in this process. Again, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. You might even get triggered and cry when you get rejection. Allow yourself to do that. Allow yourself to cry, sit with it. Let it out. And let that past trauma that might be built up in there that trigger, let it out, because that is part of our healing. But what I want to say about rejection is as hard as it is and as much as it hurts, if you can change your perspective and look at rejection as redirection, that is huge. And this takes time. I was able to do it over time. But it's not always easy. And sometimes, I need to come home and have my pity party for one. Cry. Have a good cry. Go and wait a few days and then put myself back out there again. But when we change our perspective and continue to heal, you realize rejection isn't a reflection of whether you're lovable and you're worthy. It's really a reflection of where that other person is in their dating process. And why would you give someone you barely know that much power over you? Consider rejection a gift that he's showing you who he, they really are before the relationship progresses.
So it was really hard to keep this list to eight and I had many more things I could throw on here, but I tried to put the most important ones on. If there's something else that you would add to this list, send me an email, or shoot me a DM if you're on social media, I'd love to hear it. And just to recap, eight things to know when you're dating in midlife. Or eight things that will help make it easier to date in midlife is get comfortable with getting uncomfortable. Taste different flavors of jellybeans in the jelly jar. So you know which one is your favorite. Use dating as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Practice makes better not perfect. And keep just like a job interview. Keep going out there. Put yourself out there. Overcome your crappy dating beliefs and keep them in check. Know your dating worth and don't settle. Trust is earned, it's not a right. Trust takes time, months, years, and that's okay. If somebody is pushing you for more, that's a red flag. And number eight rejection is redirection not a reflection on you.
And I love how I keep coming up with eight. And eight represents victory, prosperity and balance. So as you go out and start dating, remember these eight tips that will give you victory, prosperity and balance in dating. And don't forget my Date Differently six-week course is coming up on Wednesday, February 28. Let me know if you have any questions. And don't forget to continue to work with a certified coach or therapist. Because there's a good chance, you're gonna get triggered through the dating process. It's a great opportunity to continue your healing journey. I know it has been for me. So take care Freebirds and let me know if there's something else you think I should put on this list. And I hope to see you in my Date Differently course. Until next time.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a Freebird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at Laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter. So you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.