We are often our own worst critic, especially when it comes to dating. Our negative self talk and how we care for ourselves during the process can sabotage our efforts and outcomes.
That’s why I’m ending my dating series with an episode on self-love.
Whether you are dating or not, it’s important to notice when you tell yourself you’re not good enough or when you aren’t taking care of your own needs and emotions.
In today's episode, I cover the importance of self-love, self-worth, and recognizing one's dating worth while dating in midlife. I'll share a story from my own life that might sound all too familiar – those dates that leave you feeling less than.
In this episode you'll learn:
- The definition of self-love and why it's essential while dating and in general.
- Why letting go of perfection is freeing and will set you up for more success.
- Learning what self-love really looks like and how it can change your dating experience.
- Practical tips to boost your self-worth.
- What dating worth is and how it can transform the way you view potential partners
- How setting healthy boundaries helped me become stronger when I was dating and will help you too!
- Simple somatic exercises that can help you feel more connected to yourself and calm your nervous system before, during, and after a date.
So grab those ear buds and press play so you can give yourself what you need whether you are dating or not. Because YOU are the most important person and YOU deserve more self-love!
Remember, your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth, there’s does.
Love,
Laurie
Click here for my “Date Differently in Midlife Course that starts Wednesday, Feb 28th, 2024
Click here for my “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”
Click here for my Core Values Exercise
Sign up for my newsletter here to stay up to date on my upcoming offerings and podcast interviews!
Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go
Send us a Text Message.
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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
Laurie James
Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding and Letting Go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer, and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions, and empowering conversations with influential experts. So you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds turn up the volume. And let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life. One confession at a time.
Laurie James
Hey there Freebirds before I get started on today's podcast, which you are going to love, and it's all about self love, self worth, and what I call dating worth. I want to remind you that my day differently in midlife six week course, is about to close. So I don't want you to miss out on this. It is a fabulous program that will really set you up for success. And you get 90 minutes each week with me. My knowledge from having dated in midlife for three and a half years tried and true coaching tips to overcome your beliefs, understand your values, the values that you want in a partner, and dig deep to really understand what's negotiable and what's not, when it comes to dating this time around.
Laurie James
Also understand attachment theory as it relates to dating specifically, which can be very different. And really learn to love yourself, and learn to nurture yourself through the dating process. There's also somatic exercises and meditations that will help regulate your nervous system while you're dating. So you are taking care of yourself. So click the link in the show notes for more information, or you can shoot me an email if you have any questions. I only have a few spots left and would really love for you to be there. It is worth the investment because you are worth it. So I hope to see you in class.
Laurie James
So today, I want to talk to you about loving and nurturing yourself through the dating process. Because that's one place, we all can use a little bit more support, including myself now and while I was dating, and I say that because we are often our own worst critic. I know that I have been at various points in my life, my own worst critic, the negative self talk, saying things like, why can't you hold this together? Why are you crying about this? You should be able to do this. Why isn't anybody responding to my profile, Only weak people need support and on and on. But I've also learned through a lot of therapy, a lot of coaching and a lot of somatic work and personal growth work that we need to be more loving, and more kind to ourselves, and especially when we are dating because if we're not kind to ourselves, we're not going to be kind to others.
Laurie James
Self love is so important to our mental health and well-being and is directly tied to again what I call our dating worth or your dating worse. In my opinion, self love is about slowing down and asking yourself what you need. Taking the time to appreciate yourself, your accomplishments, and all that you do for yourself and for others. Self love, at its core is a practice of self-compassion, acceptance and kindness towards ourselves. And it's not just about when things are going well, we can pat ourselves on the back. Because that's the easy part. It's learning to love and treat yourself well when you are down on yourself, or things aren't going your way, where things aren't coming fast enough.
Laurie James
I know that something that I address just this past week for myself, it's giving ourselves that hug, and letting yourself cry, and doing things that will comfort you, in those dark moments. It's also about understanding that we're going to make mistakes, specially for trying something new, or putting ourselves out there in the dating world. But when you do knowing that, just because you're trying something new, that you are still worthy of love and respect, self love and respect, and love and respect from others. Self love is also about recognizing your needs, validating your emotions, and appreciating yourself for who you are.
Laurie James
It's also about setting boundaries, and taking care of ourselves, especially when we're dating. And it isn't always easy. This is the inner work that we have to do. But when we do it, and we take care of our emotions and our needs, that's when things begin to change. And we develop more confidence, more courage, and become stronger. I'm going to share a quick dating story for you. This was somebody that I met randomly. When I was out for a walk one day, I was not in the frame of mind of meeting anybody but he became friendly gave me his phone number. I didn't text him for a couple of days, because I was very unsure of just the whole dating process. But I did. And we had a nice text exchange. He took me out, asked me out on a date, we had a really great time. He was very attentive. But he was also that first date, very respectful.
Laurie James
Fast forward to the second date. He didn't live very far from where I was living at the time. And so we met down at the beach, and we watched the sunset. And we kissed a little bit. And he basically on this second date was basically asking me to go back to my place or his place and have sex. And I was really taken aback by that. Because I didn't really know him. And it was early on. It just felt too soon. But what I did is I said I'm not really ready for that. Even as these words got stuck in my throat when I was saying this, and I even said before I have sex with somebody, I want to know that person isn't having sex with anybody else. And in that moment, his response was a little shaming. And he even alluded that I was approved. I was so hurt and so bummed because from the appearances he had all the things I was looking for. He was smart, he was successful in his own right, he lived near me, he was good looking, we had similar interests, but needless to say, I did not invite him back to my place. And I did not go back to his place. And I went home and cried because I was so hurt.
Laurie James
And there was a part of me that could have said, yes. But there was a part of me that was speaking louder. And I knew I needed to set a boundary around what felt right to me. I was fairly new out of my marriage, this was within a year of me leaving probably about a year after I left my marriage. And I needed to take things slow. So even though I was sad, and I was upset, and it was hurtful, I stood up for what I knew was right for me. And every time we do that, we build that muscle, and we get stronger, and we get courage. And what I found out later, after this all went down, which just is a reminder, to me that I did what was right was this individual, this guy, I later found out while he was taking me out, was also dating somebody else, and had been dating that person for a couple of months, this other woman was actually looking for a commitment from him, and he would not commit to her. And this was a friend of a friend, as I do live in a small community. So that was just a really good validation, that the decision I made in that moment, was right.
Laurie James
So even though it's hard in the moment, sometimes doing the right thing isn't always easy. And self love is having compassion for yourself. And I did have compassion for myself, I went home and I allowed myself to shed the tears on the couch to roll up in a ball. I did that often through the three and a half years of dating that I did. But self love is about how we treat ourself. And it's not shaming or blaming ourselves. I could have shamed or blamed myself in that moment, but I didn't. And we don't shame or blame ourselves that allows us to be open to accountability and to curiosity of how we can do something different next time around. So how did that show up for me in this scenario, is when I reflected back on my interaction with this guy, he came on very strong very quickly. I would even call it a little love bombing in the beginning. Which I really didn't know what that was at the time. But that's just when somebody comes on. Very fast, very strong. And just really talks about how wonderful you are and you're so fabulous and wow, you're just amazing and you're beautiful and non stop, which feels good. But they do that to rope you in so then they can then manipulate you later.
Laurie James
So what I took from that and what I learned from that was watch out for that love bombing. If somebody comes on too strong, and starts calling you babe and love and you're so fabulous, that is a red flag. Self love is also about not trying to be perfect. Not worrying about having the perfect photos, the perfect profile. The perfect skin, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit. It's about loving ourselves, just the way we are loving our wrinkles, loving our scars and being honest with others about what we're looking for. I knew that I was ultimately looking for a long term relationship. So I would I put that on my profile, looking for a long term relationship. But it's a process. I was also honest about my age. I know people that fudge their age, I didn't want other people to fudge their age when I was dating online. So I didn't do that. That is a personal decision.
Laurie James
But trying to be perfect is also a coping mechanism. And it's often driven by shame or some other insecurity. And typically, there's a thread back to our childhood shame can be very motivating. And I know it's been motivating for me at times. But what if instead, we looked at our shame, with compassion? What if we looked at that shame, with kindness? What if we looked at that part of us that feels the shame in asking her what she needs in that moment, that you might feel shame. And shutting down our emotions isn't self love either. When we do this somatically, you are putting yourself in a freeze response. Staying in this freeze response can lead to anger, depression, and oftentimes, we disassociate from our bodies, because it's the only way we can cope. It can also lead to numbing. What is that unresolved inside of us through drinking, shopping, excessive exercise.
Laurie James
So what does self love dating worth look like when we're out there in the dating world? First and foremost, I believe that it's showing up as your authentic self, as you are presenting you for who you are. Yes, when we are out there, we are marketing ourselves. And we want to put our best foot forward and show ourselves in a positive light, not negative. So I definitely encourage presenting yourself in these are the things I'm looking for, instead of in your profile, maybe saying these are the things I don't want. But being true to yourself, I talk to women who don't want to be sexual. And they don't know if they want to at all, or they don't want to do it right away. Communicate that don't be afraid to ask for what you need, or what you're looking for. If you're looking for a long term relationship, or maybe you're just in a place where you just want to date a little because you're just fresh out of a relationship. Be honest. Honesty is the best policy I always believe, because I don't want to be manipulated by somebody else. And I'm guessing that you don't either.
Laurie James
And when we show up more authentically, we are able to see when other people aren't or catch that earlier. And also, we end up attracting other people who are more authentic because we're a breath of fresh air for them too. Take a break through this process when needed. Dating, there's lots of ups and downs and you need to take care of yourself emotionally. Have healthy and strong boundaries around what you will and won't accept in a potential date. And know that there's going to be a lot more nos and there are yeses, and maybe it's even down to 1%. But all you need is one person. Remind yourself what you love about yourself. Maybe even write down the list of things that you like about yourself. Write down affirmations that speak to you. And maybe you post them on your mirror or refrigerator.
Laurie James
Ask three friends what your best qualities are, and then read them out loud. And notice how they make you feel inside without brushing them off. We're always really good about saying oh you're so kind or oh, that's so nice of you to say. But can you really take that in and feel that. Write down three to five things you love about being single or partner lists. Another one is do at least one thing each day that you really enjoy, that brings you joy. Make sure you spend time with friends and family that fill you up and make you feel good, not drain you.
Laurie James
Yes, we all have those people in our lives that tend to drain us. But we need to make sure we're balancing that out. Take yourself on a date, land a trip by yourself, or try something you've always wanted to try. Even if it's outside your comfort zone, or more importantly, make sure it's outside your comfort zone. That is where the growth happens when we just step outside the comfort zone. Then if things don't go as well as you thought, be kind to yourself, hug yourself or get hugs from loved ones through the process. Research shows that a 20 second hug calms the nervous system. That is a great somatic practice that you can use to create more self love. Some other somatic practices that can help with self love is and when you do have a bad day or you get discouraged or someone ghosts you, stop and ask yourself, what do I need in this moment, what kind of support do I need, and then follow through on that. Give that to yourself.
Laurie James
If you're feeling down, go for a long walk. Breath in the fresh air. A good walk always gives us a better perspective on life. I know it's something that I rely on daily. And I relied on so much when I was going through my darkest days. And the eight years that I write about in my book sandwich, but also just when I had dark periods through the dating process. Another really great somatic practice is take a moment and sit down wherever you are, you could be outside inside your house and take five or 10 minutes and go through the five senses. It's a great grounding exercise.
Laurie James
So take a moment and sit down and begin by feeling the chair, the bed, the couch underneath you. Sit and then notice what smells you smell. Maybe there's a lingering smell from lunch or the ocean air or the mountain air or wherever it is that you live the smell of fresh flowers. Take a moment and feel what your clothes feel like on your skin. Notice if you can sense any coolness on parts of your body. Are there parts maybe where you might feel more warms? And then look around? Orient yourself. Maybe you even notice a picture that brings back a really wonderful memory. And then what do you hear? Right now I hear the trash truck in the background as I'm sitting here recording this because it's trash day in my neighborhood.
Laurie James
But the five senses exercise is a really great grounding exercise to just bring us back into the present. And again, I said this earlier and I say it often but allow yourself to feel because we need to feel to heal. Feel the sadness in your body feel the disappointment. Allow yourself to cry and let the emotions move through you because the more often we do that the shorter those durations will get. And they will happen less often. Because we will learn to be able to stabilize our nervous system and stay in what we call the window of tolerance. More often, yes, our nervous systems are always going to get dysregulated. But we want to learn how to regulate ourselves and shorten the duration of the dysregulation. Or, if you are feeling excited because you have a date planned, lean into that, put on your favorite music, dance in your bedroom.
Laurie James
One of the things I used to love to do is put on some of my favorite music while I was getting ready for a date, it just put me in the best mood. And then I would show up happy and what's more attractive than somebody who's open and happy. And lastly, make sure you have a great support system in place. So when you do have a bad date, or you have a good day, you have somebody you can share that. Work with a coach, work with a therapist, or have one or two girlfriends you can reach out to when you need to process something, or share good news or event. So just to recap, self love is a practice of self compassion, acceptance, and kindness towards ourselves.
Laurie James
Self love while dating looks like being honest with who you are and what you're looking for. Taking breaks when you need it. Setting healthy boundaries. Reminding yourself what you love about yourself. Making sure you have affirmations around the house. Asking friends, what they think your strengths are. Taking yourself out on a date or planning a trip by yourself. Hug yourself for 20 seconds, or get hugs from your loved ones. And just to recap somatic practices that can help you with self love is when you have a bad date or get discouraged, stop and ask yourself, what do you need in that moment, and then follow through on it.
Laurie James
If you're feeling down, maybe go for a long walk. Fresh Air always gives us a great perspective. You can go back to the five senses grounding exercise, which is the smell, feel, hear, taste. And see, observe, and feel to heal. Feel the sadness, disappointment, allow yourself to cry. And also allow yourself to feel the excitement, because that is attractive. And make sure you have a really great support system. That is key in your success. We need people to help support us with the good, the bad, and the ugly of dating.
Laurie James
I hope you guys found that helpful. And remember, if you are ready for more support and ready to take a deeper dive, my date differently program starts February 28, Wednesday, and the doors are closing soon. So make sure you sign up. If you're looking to save a little money, email me and I will tell you how you can save $50 on this program. It's really great. It's all the things that I did right through the dating process. And I left out all the things I did wrong. It's also packed with all my best coaching tips and somatic practices so you can learn to attract the person you desire. Thanks for being here Freebirds and I'll see you next time.
Laurie James
Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a Freebird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter, so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate, and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.