Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer, and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions, and empowering conversations with influential experts. So you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life. One confession at a time.
Welcome back Freebirds. Thank you so much for being here with me. And before I get started, on today's episode, which is all about what I wished I would have known about divorce before, during, and after, I wanted to share a confession. When I was contemplating divorce, it scared the shit out of me, pardon my French. It also took three tries to leave my marriage, five and a half years of therapy, and countless hours, crying, and talking to my friends on walks and crying on their shoulders. Before I was able to follow through. It is and was truly the scariest decision I've ever made in my life. But it was also the best decision I ever made.
And I want to share a quote with you by an author named Steven Pressfield, who is the author of several New York Times best selling books. This one is The War of Art. And what he says in here is, this book is all about resistance. Let me start with that. And how resistance shows up in our lives, especially for people who are creatives and artists. But this really can apply to anybody who's trying to change something in their life or do something different. And it says, the more important the call of action is to your soul's evolution, the more resistance you will feel. And I can't tell you know how true that was for me.
I also felt a lot of fear, lack of direction, because of the uncertainty. But that's what is underneath resistance, is that fear. And we as humans do not like uncertainty. So today I'm going to talk about what I'd wished I'd known before, during, and after my divorce. I know if I would have known these things, it certainly would have helped me. I know it would have helped ease the process for me, and I hope it helps you. I also want to point out that divorce is something we go through, often only once.
And it's also the second most stressful experience we will go through. Only second to losing a child. And unless you're a family law attorney, you don't know what the process is. So if you are going through divorce right now, or know somebody that is give yourself or them grace. Don't rush it, even though we want it to be over because it is so painful and difficult. And please, please don't tell your lawyer or your ax. I don't care what I get. I just want the speak to be over. Because you will regret those words later on. When reality hits and you're having to pay bills or you want to buy a house and you have no more alimony coming in.
And one other thing I want to say, which I think Kate and I touched on last week is, divorce is the largest financial decision you're going to make in your life, especially if you're in midlife. So know that and fight for what is rightfully yours. Don't ask for more. Don't try and get revenge through the divorce process, which I'll touch on again later. But you do deserve 50% if you're in California, but check with whatever state you live in, what your legal rights are. But make sure that you fight for what is legally yours, and your kids if they're involved.
So the four top things I wish I had known before getting divorce, the first one, I wished I'd known then that I was going to be okay on the other side. In fact, I wished I'd known I was going to be more than okay. Because I've said this before, on other podcasts, and maybe mine, I am happier now than I think I've ever been. I think that's multifaceted, based off of where I am in my life. But my divorce and divorcing was a huge part of that. And I'm not suggesting divorce is right for everybody, because it's not. But it was right for me. So if you're feeling that to keep listening.
And like I said earlier, leaving a long term relationship is scary. Especially if you've built a life together with this person. I was married for 26 years. Kids are involved, extended family, you've got mutual friends, it is scary. But you need to trust that your friends, your family, love you, regardless of what your decision is, if you know that this decision is right for you, you have to trust that and trust that things are going to fall into place. It might take someone a while for the dust to settle but it will.
Number two, start working with a therapist or a certified coach that works with people going through divorce, or who have been through a divorce. And especially work with somebody who gets into your body because that's where the healing really happens is when we connect, when we can connect with our sensations, our emotions and our feelings that are happening in our body. Talk therapy and coaching only take you so far. I stopped working with my therapist during my divorce because she was our couples therapist. And I don't regret stopping working with her, what I regret is not hiring somebody else to continue that.
I believe that that was one of the reasons why I ended up in the hospital a year and a half after I left my marriage. And I ended up in the hospital not once but twice. And it took me six months to recover from. I share this story in one of my earliest podcasts, I think from going from loneliness to belonging. But I took on too much. I said yes, too much. And I was stressed even though everything was going well in my life. And I knew it. I shared it with a friend. But my body said enough. I put myself back into therapy after I was strong enough to get out of the house. And my therapist was a somatic practitioner and getting into my body and really understanding the sensations and emotions that I was feeling and processing them in a very slow way has been huge for me. It is truly been life changing.
Number three, and I realized I actually have five things not four Number three is I wished I'd known I didn't need to suffer in my unhealthy marriage as long as I did. But let me preface that with a couple of things first, like most of us, our lives are complicated and multi layered with responsibilities during this very tumultuous time when I was trying to decide to get divorced was when I was also raising my four teenage daughters. That's when I was hit with betrayal. I was also caring for elderly parents. My mom was on and off of hospice. And I didn't think I could lose my mother and my marriage in the same year, intentionally.
I wrote about this and a lot more, some funny things, some sad things in my book sandwich, which you can order at your local independent bookstore, or you can find it on Amazon. It's titled Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go, if that interests you. And what I experienced was many things, but the biggest thing that woke me up was betrayal. And it wasn't infidelity. But it was a form of financial betrayal. And it wasn't communicated me prior to my ex making a unilateral decision about something that really should have been a decision we made together.
And the reason I point that out is because lack of communication is one of the biggest causes of divorce, that lack of communication about what our needs are, what we want out of a relationship, what our struggles are, when things are smaller, sometimes leads people to infidelity or to betray us or for us to betray somebody that we're with. So my point of that is a communication is key. Communication is everything in all of our relationships, not just our relationship with a spouse.
Number four, before you divorce, educate yourself on the legal system in your state. Knowledge is power. And that will give you more confidence as you're negotiating, or if you have a conversation with your ex, outside of your lawyers. Under that realm know that lawyers don't always have your best interest at heart. Some do, some don't. Sometimes, their pocket books are often their biggest interest, because they charge you by the hour. And it's not just one fee to get divorced. Some lawyers do that, but not many, not at least in the LA area where I live. Do your homework and interview several lawyers. Ask trusted friends that know somebody who's been through a divorce or have been through divorce themselves. Ask your financial advisor for recommendations.
My ex and I primarily went through mediation, but I did have an independent lawyer overseeing my half of what I had made a decision on. So I had an independent lawyer. And when I first hired him came very highly recommended. He had really great reviews. But I did leave some money on the table and he came to me and said, I'm willing, let's go to court over this. And I said no. And the reason I said no was for two reasons. One, I knew I was going to be okay with how much that I was receiving. And I didn't need to fight for everything. Second, money was very, very important to my x. And so it's important to understand what is important to your x. So that way you can use that as a negotiation piece.
And something else that's important is know what your number is, know what is important to you, and stick to your plan. Don't let a lawyer lead you astray. Listen to your gut, listen to your intuition, not your resentment, not your anger. Because money is important, and we need that to live. But money isn't everything. The house isn't everything. I walked away from my house that I lived in for 26 years, and I moved into a tiny two bedroom apartment. My ex, he still lives in the house, we raised our kids in with all the same decorations that I decorated the house and and he's sitting in a big house with all those memories every single day.
I don't want to have that. Is that the way you want to continue on? Or do you want to create a new, fresh start for yourself? I think that's a really good question to ask yourself. And number five, this is something that I did, but I worked on, find your tribe and support system before you start your divorce process, it is so important and your female tribe is going to be critical and your best investment emotionally. But also remember, during this time, friendship is reciprocal. And even though you might need to lean on your friends, more going through divorce. Don't forget to also give back to them too. That's super important. So moving on, the five things that I wish I had known during my divorce.
First, I wished I would have known how to navigate the legal system a little bit better. It's hard going through something that is so emotional, and doing it for the first time. And our legal system does not make things easy. They don't care about our emotions. They don't always care if you have little kids still wet in your the interest of your children. If you're looking for more resources, two of my favorite podcasts that I recommend you listen to our The Divorce and Beyond Podcast with Susan Guthrie, and The Survival Guide to Divorce with Kate Anthony. Kate also just wrote a book the The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage. I interviewed her last week. So if you did not listen to that, take a listen. There's some great information. And also, I interviewed Susan from divorce and beyond. She was on my podcast back in August of 2023. It's August 24. And the information there it's all about the stress of divorce. And it's still very relevant. I was also on both Kate and Susan's podcasts. So you can also search that.
Number two during your divorce. It takes time and be patient with yourself even when you don't want to be. It takes six months is the grace period in California, from when you file from when your divorce can be finalized. But if you're in mid life, typically things are complicated. There's 401k's and investment accounts. There's a home. If you have kids in college, it's complicated. So give yourself time. Don't rush through things.
Number three. And this is important. Make your divorce decree very clear. Don't leave it vague. I've heard horror stories. And that most likely will end you back in court. Fighting for what you feel is right. And you don't need to spend more money on this. Divorces are already expensive enough. I went as far as to lay out how our kids college education expenses, we're going to get paid. How that was structured. And I even went as far as who's gonna pay for how much in my kids future weddings.
So there is no issues or no concerns that are off limits, when it comes to what you can put in your divorce decree, and of course, your lawyer will know and can help you. And number four, and this is big, but may only apply to some of you. If you don't work, this is in the state of California, anyways. If you don't work in the state of California, I recommend you ask for alimony for at least five years, if you're working some deal out, especially if you're not working. Because you will need to show that income when you buy a property. Or even if you rent in the state of California.
What came out of the mortgage crisis was even stricter regulations around loans, even though you might have enough assets, they don't care. They want to see income. I got lucky because and I had to refinance like three times, but I knew somebody who worked for a financial institution, and they helped me. Otherwise, I might be still paying five and a half percent on an adjustable rate mortgage right now. Number five, do your best to not talk to your kids about your divorce. And this is hard, especially if we felt wronged, betrayed, or we're harboring resentment toward our acts. I tried really hard I didn't always do as good of a job as I wished I would around this. But the kids, our children are the innocent victims of our divorce.
And regardless of what your ex has done or hasn't done, he they are still your kid's parent. And as you make decisions, ask yourself through the divorce, ask yourself, how might this affect my children? I would often ask that question before I made some type of decision. Or you could also ask, if I agree to this, how might this affect my children, especially if you're in midlife, and you've got private school, or college coming up. So before I get into after divorce, I just want to remind you that I have a really wonderful new resource that is available for you to download. It's my beginner's guide to somatic healing. It's got a really wonderful introduction and framework on how to do some somatic exercises for yourself. These are things that I do for myself, and I also suggest clients do but it's really a wonderful way to dip your toe into the somatic world.
And because we need to really get in touch with our bodies with the sensations, and our feelings and our emotions, to really, truly heal. And if you need support around this, please reach out. Book an inquiry call on my website, we'd be happy to talk to you a little bit more about any of those things, and see if working together might be a fit. So the six things I wished I would have known about after divorce is and this one I kind of knew, but I didn't know the extent, life will change.
It's going to change it's not going to stay the same. But embrace the change. Don't fight it. I'm going to go back to Steven Pressfield book again. Because I'm on a little Steven Pressfield high right now The War of Art. One of the things he says in this book is when we fight resistance we are in the war to death. And what I want to say about that is resistance only adds to our suffering. And aren't we suffering enough right now? And if you've been in an unhappy marriage, haven't you suffered enough? Even in the best of circumstances and the best divorce, there's going to be suffering because you're grieving the loss of a marriage, that was you're grieving the loss of a family unit.
Don't ask your friends to choose between you and your ex. It's okay for people to still want to be friends with both. Let the chips fall as they may. And that way you know who your true friends are. That doesn't mean that they have to be on your side, I have a wonderful friends who I adore and spend a lot of time with who also spend time with my ex. And that's okay. I know them, I trust them, and they can be friends with both of us.
Number two, give yourself time to grieve, and heal. And don't jump back into a relationship too fast. Grieving takes time. Even if you are the one that wanted the divorce, I found myself grieving, even this past Christmas. And it had been six years. It wasn't that I was grieving him or the relationship. It was grieving the family unit. It was grieving that feeling of family together and shared time around the holidays. Also, if you listen to last week's podcast with Kate Anthony, she said this and I completely agree with her. Wait a year to start dating. If you're interested in a relationship. I jump back in way too soon because of my anxious attachment style. And definitely attracted the wrong kind of guys at first, it definitely took me time. So don't jump back into soon.
Number three, think about what you want for yourself and work towards creating your life with intention. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to create a new and wonderful and joy filled life full of freedom and happiness. Not that every day is like this, but you get to choose, we have a choice. So choose it with intention. Listen to those little whispers that tell you yes, yes this. No, not that. It's not the louder voices in your head that you need to listen to. It's the quiet voices in the moments of calm, that are your guide.
Those loud voices are typically the fear talking to you. And don't get me wrong, it's scary, but you are in control of your own life. If you're unsure, and are a little lost, that's okay. Work with a certified coach who can really help you. I did and it has made a huge difference. They can help guide you through this transition. And the women that I've worked with. As they were going through the transition, they are stronger and more confident for it. So whether you work with me or you have somebody else that you work with, invest in yourself, you are worth it.
And number four, dating can be hard and tricky in midlife. We do have the wisdom that we didn't have in our 20s. But again, take that time to reflect and heal. If you need some guidance by date differently course is a great way to set yourself up for success when you're ready. I offer that twice a year. And it's a wonderful program that I've received a lot of great testimonials from dating and bringing somebody new into your life can be a hard adjustment once you bring somebody new into your life, but the right person will only make it easier not harder.
Number five, and I touched on this earlier, talk therapy will only get you so far, it only got me so far. Working with somebody, a therapist or a coach that either talks about embodiment and emotions, or is a somatic practitioner. That's how you're going to really heal. It has changed my life, and it has changed my nervous system. And lastly, number six, time heals. But you need to keep doing your own personal work, you need to look at your part in your failed relationship, in your failed marriage. Because even though the other person may have been responsible for more, we also have a part that we are responsible for.
So just a recap, the five things I wished I'd known before getting divorced is that I was going to be better than okay on the other side, and that I was going to be happier. Number two, work with somebody, a therapist or certified coach that works specifically in this area. Number three, you don't need to suffer in your unhealthy marriage, as long as you think you do. You do have a choice. Number four, before you get divorced, educate yourself on the legal system in your state, or country. Knowledge is power. And that will give you more confidence and courage to make the next step. Number five, find your female tribe and support system to help you as you go through this process.
The five things I wished I had known while I was going through my divorce, how to navigate the legal system better. It's hard. How to have more patience. Patience is key. Even when you don't want to be patient and you want this to be over I get it. It's painful, it's hard. Number three, be super, super clear in your divorce decree that can make a huge difference. On the other side. Number four, and this is big, as I said before, but may only apply to certain people. Make sure if you're not working, and you don't have an income, make sure you have alimony for at least five years. So that way when you want to buy a house or rent a property, but more importantly buy a house, you can show income for five years. Number five, do your best not to talk to your kids about your relationship. If they do ask answer the question that's asked, don't go further.
And the six things that I wished I'd known after divorce, life will change, embrace it more. Number two, give yourself time to grieve and heal and don't jump back into a relationship too fast. Number three, think about what you want for yourself and create this next chapter in your life with intention. And if you're unsure, work with somebody. It's a sign of strength to work with somebody. It's not a sign of weakness. Even though our society has told us that. And our generation has told us that. Number four, Dating can be hard but it doesn't need to be work with somebody take my course. It really helps to have that framework. Number five talk therapies only going to get you so far. If you really need to heal. Work with somebody who understands the body is a somatic practitioner does body work, it will make a huge difference.
And lastly, time heals . But you need to keep doing your own personal work even if you can't afford to work with a therapist or a coach, find a great book that speaks to you. And don't forget, I'm here for you. I hope this helps you find a little bit more freedom through the divorce process. And reach out if you have any questions. Until next time, Freebirds. Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a freebird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter. So you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate, and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.