Have you ever felt overwhelmed or disrespected? Maybe you got mad at someone for something they did and were offended. If you’ve ever experienced any of the above, you may need stronger boundaries in your life.
Setting healthy boundaries isn't always easy. You may be afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, fear the repercussions of standing up for what’s important to you, have FOMO, or it didn't feel safe in your childhood to express yourself so you stopped speaking up. Not having healthy boundaries can lead to stress, burnout, and damaged and failed relationships.
Many of us struggle with setting boundaries because we’re afraid of hurting other people’s feelings or because we fear the repercussions of standing up for what’s important to us, which can lead to stress, burnout, and damaged and failed relationships.
In today's episode, I dive into the topic of boundaries because this one word is vast and creeps into all parts of our lives whether we realize it or not. Understanding how you may have contributed to the situation and how to implement healthy boundaries can improve your mental and emotional well-being and create a more balanced life.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- The definition of boundaries.
- The six different types according to Nedra Glover Tawwab author of, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
- Common reasons why people fail to establish boundaries.
- The price you might pay for not creating and maintaining boundaries.
- Why resentment and anger could be signs you need healthier boundaries.
- What healthy boundaries look like.
- Exercises to help you become more in tune with your boundaries.
- Tips to help you identify, communicate, and enforce your boundaries.
Join me as we explore how to set and maintain boundaries so you can find more freedom, peace, and empowerment in your life!
Much love,
Laurie
Click here for more information on my “Women in Transition” workshop or Click here
Click here for my Mammoth Survey
Click here for my Somatic Course Survey or click here to schedule a call and share your thoughts directly with me.
Click here for my Core Values Exercise
Click here for my “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”
Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go
Sign up for my newsletter here to stay up to date on my upcoming offerings and podcast interviews!
Click here for Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace."
Send us a Text Message.
***************************************************************************************
DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
Hey, it's Laurie, I have a couple quick announcements before we get started. I do have a couple spots left for my workshop this weekend, from 9 30 to 12 30 here in Manhattan Beach. So, if you're finding yourself few extra hours this morning and are looking for some personal time, please reach out. I'd love to have you join me and I have a couple of surveys. One is retreat up and mammoth that I am looking to offer in August or September, and would love your feedback on. Aand also, I'm putting together a new course esspecially for those of you who have requested my beginner's guide to Somatic Healing, this would be for you, it's going to be a lot of somatic work, body work, working through grief, beliefs, all of that and would love your feedback. So, I can create something that speaks to you that's in your price range, you can either just fill out the survey link or you can book a half hour call with me. And we can chat via zoom. And I can ask your questions personally, and would love to meet you if you're interested. So, without further do, I hope you enjoy this week's podcast.
Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James. A mother divorce a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting Go.A therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer, and now a podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, all share soulful confessions, and empowering conversations with influential experts. So you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds and turn up the volume. And let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose-driven life. One confession at a time.
Hey there Freebirds. Today I'm going to talk about a topic that has been on my mind and I've wanted to discuss for a while. But it is one word, but affects so many parts of our lives that I was just took me a while to wrap my head around it. It's also one of the topics that was high on the list of the podcast survey that I sent out. So for those of you who asked for this, I hope you enjoy the conversation around boundaries. And it's really funny how God or the Universe works because I was not only talking to a couple of clients, the week that I'm recording this about boundaries. And that was a big topic that came up for them. But also, in my mentoring group that I'm part of. My mentor also brought up the topic of boundaries too so, it's in the air.
So, I hope you take this as a sign that we're all on the right path. And this is what you need to hear today to boundaries like I said earlier. They're very complex when you dive into them. It's a word that affects so many parts of our lives, yet we often don't think about it, and today is going to be an overview. But I hope by me walking through boundaries and breaking things down that you will pull a few nuggets or reminders about what's important for you. So, the areas that I'm going to cover today are, what a boundary is, and the different types of boundaries. Why we don't have boundaries, the price we pay for not having them, what healthy boundaries look like, and a few exercises to help you bring more awareness around your own boundaries.
To begin my confession about Boundaries is, I didn't even know what one was or had heard this term. I outside of like a fence is a boundary but like emotional boundaries and physical boundaries. Like I think I sent them, but I never really discussed it or really learned about boundaries on a deeper level until about 10 years ago. And I picked I was in a class, this energy class that had a lot of woo-woo parts to it, I'll call it but this was not so woo-woo. And we read a book, titled Boundaries. It's a very well-known book, over 2 million copies have been sold and it is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I'll leave the Amazon link in the show notes for you. And then more recently, I have picked up a book called Setting Boundaries, Finding Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab T A W W A B, and that's another great book.
Nedra is also like a huge Instagram influencer, and just really her book breaks down boundaries. So well for us all to understand. So I highly recommend you pick up one or the other book, I will say the boundaries book, The first one is very Christian based. So if that bothers you, you can either just gloss over those parts, or if it speaks to you, maybe that's a better book for you. I am not religious, as you guys probably have known if you've listened to me for a while. But I am spiritual. So it's just a preference of what works best for you. So as I was doing my research on this, I pulled an address definition of what a boundary is.
And she explains it as expectations and needs that help us feel safe and comfortable in our relationships, and also expectations in relationships that help us stay mentally and emotionally well. And it's important for us to learn when to say no, and when to say yes, a great place to start is developing a better relationship with our bodies. So you can listen to the wisdom that your body is communicating to you. Our bodies will tell us when something doesn't feel right, or when we listen to our bodies will tell us that we're too tired to maybe go to that party, or too tired to take on that extra project at work. And if you didn't listen to last week's podcast, I highly recommend it. I walk you through a body scan and then a really great tool to really get in touch with yourself so you can start learning what is right for you and what's more in alignment with you.
So we need boundaries in all areas of our lives. It doesn't matter if it's family work, friendships, and romantic relationships. I pulled this from Nedra's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, she talks about six different types of boundaries. The first is physical, and that is physical touch and personal space. If somebody violates a physical boundary that could look like physical abuse, for seeing hugs or kisses, standing too close to somebody reading somebody's journal, lurking on their phone, or tapping into their computer.
Then there are sexual boundaries and that could be anything from touch somebody touching you when you ask them not to or when it's inappropriate violations look like sexual abuse, assault, molestation, inappropriate comments about somebody's sexual appearance, touching sexually when it's not warranted, or even sexual innuendos or jokes. The third one is intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries refer to our thoughts, ideas and opinions. And when you express your opinion, your words should be validated, not dismissed, not be leveled, and you should never be ridiculed.
Violations look like calling someone names for having an opinion, yelling at them, ridiculing somebody, dismissing someone for a disagreement or demeaning somebody. Then number four is emotional boundaries. And emotional boundaries are when we express our emotions, which can be very hard for many of us. And someone belittles you or invalidates your feelings. That's crossing an emotional boundary violations look like somebody sharing too much too soon.
Sharing inappropriate information with you, or maybe somebody who shared inappropriate information when you were a child, pushing for more information from you about something or someone invalidating someone's feelings, or telling somebody how to feel like you're making a bigger deal out of this unnecessary or minimizing how you are feeling about a certain situation. Number five is material boundaries. Material boundaries have to do with our possessions, our personal possessions and our valuables.
So crossing, or violating this boundary might look like not returning something borrowed when you said you would, borrowing something and never returning it, loaning something out that wasn't yours, to begin with, or damaging something and not offering or even refusing to pay for it. And then the last one is the time boundary. A time boundary has to do with how we use our time or manage our time, how we allow others to use our time, how we structure our own free time, or how we deal with favors and requests from others. So a boundary violation, when it comes to time, can look like calling somebody multiple times when it's not an emergency. expecting somebody to drop everything to help you.
When there is a crisis, call someone late at night, when you know that they might be asleep. asking others to do things for free or not reciprocating, over-committing yourself, or realizing when somebody else is over-committing and then feeling exhausted or burned out for it. Or your boss asking you to stay late to work on something without extra pay. Lastly, agreeing to something with someone who won't reciprocate. Because a relationship is a two-way street. And for any healthy relationship, there needs to be reciprocation. So when you think about these boundaries, have you crossed one? I know I have in my lifetime. I wouldn't be human if I didn't buy but when you do. Can you apologize? If not, why? What's underneath it? Could it be that there might be some shame there? If our boundaries have been violated, think about how you might feel and communicate that to the other person. And I recommend starting with I statements.
When this happened, I felt disrespected or I didn't feel like I was being heard. Those are good examples. So Why might we not have strong boundaries? This may surprise you, or maybe not. But it starts in our childhood. But it can also happen in our adult relationships. When our boundaries haven't been respected, we learn to stop asking for things. So, instead of telling your kids to stay at the table till you eat everything that's put on your plate, maybe suggest telling them, how about you eat until you're full? Or can you eat part of your vegetables? If a parent has ever told you to give Uncle Joe a hug and kiss, and you didn't want to because he gave you the creeps, then it may be hard to not hug somebody now when you don't want to, or it may be hard to hug because you've completely shut that down. We either shut down or we learn to override our body's messages that Uncle Joe feels creepy or some other person feels creepy because somebody told us to dismiss or somebody dismissed our feelings in the past. And sometimes that happens multiple times. So we no longer trust ourselves.
And in very severe cases of trauma, abuse, or neglect, that can impact our sexual, physical, and emotional boundaries in a very big way. And if you've had any of those things, I highly recommend you work with a therapist, or somebody who's trained well, that you trust with trauma. The price we might pay for not having boundaries, leads to major burnout, it leads to mental health issues. It leads to landing in the hospital, like I did, not once but twice. It leads to anxiety, it leads to depression. And along the way, a good sign that I don't have healthy boundaries is I develop resentment, anger, or frustration for what's happening. Those are signs that we ourselves need to have stronger boundaries. When we don't know how to say no, that leads to being disrespected, amongst other things. I know for a lot of women, myself included, we try and do it all.
Either because we saw our parents do that, or our mothers, or when we do ask for help our significant others or spouses or siblings? Can't, I know that that certainly happened to me. You can also lead to not being appreciated for what you do. Again, guilty as charged. And that's just to name a few. So what did healthy boundaries look like? healthy boundaries can look like being able to communicate your values clearly. So an example of that is I had a friend recently tell me that I should have been more intune or intuitive about something that she needed. And I said, No. If you need something, you need to be able to communicate that to me, because had I known that she required a friend.
I would have been there in a heartbeat. But I didn't know how to listen to what your own needs are and vocalize them. Using that same example, I came back and said to my friend, if you tell me that you need something, I will be there in a heartbeat. I will drop everything and be there for you. But in that situation, I thought she wanted time and space because that's what had been communicated prior It's so important that we share with others what's important to us. We cannot expect others, our partners, our friends, or family members, to know what's important to us, without us communicating it. Being able to be vulnerable with people who have earned your trust.
I offer once a month a free dating support group. And there's a woman that I was talking to recently. And she asked me, When do I know when should I start trusting somebody and I said, Trust is earned. It's not a right. But it's important to slowly give people a little bit more line to see if you can trust them, give them a little bit more and see if they're trustworthy, and then give them more. Don't hold everything back. We need to allow people to earn our trust. And we need to let people prove to us that they are trustworthy, being comfortable saying no to something and not worrying about hurting somebody else's feelings.
I know I again, have been guilty of this in the past. And Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed and Love Warrior, said at best, this is her quote, your job throughout your entire life is to disappoint as many people as it takes. So you don't disappoint yourself. And that's easier said than done. And it's a practice. But I think that there's a lot of truth in that. And an example of what of me doing was me writing my book, I had to get my story out of me. And it did affect some of my relationships. But I knew it was something that I had to do for myself. And lastly, being okay, hearing No, from somebody else, and not taking it personally. Because it's 99.9% of the time, not personal. It has to do with them more than it has to do with you.
So a few exercise to help you bring more awareness around your own boundaries. And of course, I'm going to connect you to your body and your sensations with this exercise. Think of a time when someone said no to you. How did you react? When do you think about that response? What did you notice in your body? Where did you notice it? And as you're thinking about that, can you sit with the sensations in your body? If you want to stay there with this, see what happens over 235 minutes. Notice what comes up for you. Another one is to think of a time when you wanted to say no, but you didn't. How did you know you wanted to say no? Where did you notice that? No sensation in your body? And what did it feel like? When you overrode that? When you think about that scenario now? What would it have felt like if you would have said no.
When you revisit that experience in your mind, and you do say now? What are the sensations that you notice in your body? What is it that you feel that's different? When it comes to boundaries, there are two different parts. There's communication. And then there's action. Think about when you were a child and your parents threatened to put you on restriction or pull out the paddle or the belt or whatever send you to your room because you misbehaved. They were communicating something, but sometimes they didn't always go through with it. Or maybe you as a parent have done that you've threatened Same thing, but haven't followed through. So with any boundary that we set for ourselves or set with somebody else, we need to communicate, and then take action. So how do we successfully communicate a boundary?
We need to be as clear and as straightforward as possible, state your need, or request, or simply say, No, I can't make it, or I appreciate the offer. But that night doesn't work for me. And when you do set a boundary, notice the discomfort you might feel when you set that boundary. This is a practice. Where do you notice that discomfort in your body can use stay with it and notice how it might change as any other images or beliefs arise with it. Those are just a couple of suggestions and how to successfully communicate your boundaries. And just to recap, a boundary our expectations and needs that help us feel safe and comfortable in our relationships. Having boundaries in a relationship help us stay mentally and emotionally well. The six types of boundaries are physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time boundaries.
These are all out of the book set boundaries find peace by nadrich lover Tom. Why don't we have boundaries, primarily because they haven't been taught to us in our childhood, or we were taught to override them. And there can be a high price that we pay for not having boundaries. They lead to burnout, mental health issues, anxiety, depression, resentment, anger and frustration. healthy boundaries look like being able to communicate your values, listening to what your needs are and vocalizing them, sharing with others what's important to you. And then the exercises to help you bring more awareness around your own boundaries. And again, remember there are two parts to boundary setting, communication, and action. boundary work is hard, and it's a process like most things in life, but when we can set clear, healthier boundaries around any area in our life, we will find more freedom, because we are honoring what we need, not what others need from us. So with that Freebirds I hope you find more peace and freedom after this podcast.
And remember, I have some surveys that are in the show notes. And I'd love for you to fill out. I'd love to get your feedback. I am working on putting together a new course. And so for all of you, people who signed up for my beginner's guide to somatic healing, please consider filling out my survey. I would also love to speak with you in person for about a half hour if that is more helpful or if you'd prefer to do that. And I still have a couple spots left in my workshop for all my local listeners. And with that, talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of A Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com.
To learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter. So you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.