Creating Your Tribe: 9 Tips for Strong Female Friendships

When I saw signs that my marriage was crumbling, I began to build a stronger female tribe. Putting myself out there was scary and it took time, but the feeling of loneliness was greater and I was ready to create my female tribe. 

Since then, I’ve created a great tribe of friends and have developed strong relationships. I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way that I share with you like what a supportive tribe looks and feels like and how fostering female friendships has enhanced my life and can enhance yours too!

So, it doesn’t matter if you’re 35 or 60, single, married, divorced or widowed. Studies show that creating strong, supportive relationships is so important for our physical and mental well-being.

That’s why this episode is a must listen so you can start or continue to explore how to create and maintain meaningful connections with other amazing women.

You’ll learn:

• How to evaluate your friendships and discover what's missing in your current relationships.
• Practical steps on how to go about filling the gaps.
• One important piece of advice that will change the way you view all your relationships!
• The research backed health benefits of friendships. 
• My 9 top tips for making new friends. 
• How to find and foster your new connections.
• Where to meet new friends. 

And don’t forget to download my “Relationship Evaluation Exercise” so you can learn how to expand your social circle with meaningful friendships that will last the test of time!

Much love,

Laurie

These guides will help you take the next step in life:

Click here for my “Relationship Evaluation Excercise” 

Click here for my “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”

Click here for my “Girlfriends Guide to Online Dating”

Click here for my “Girlfriends Guide to Dating Differently”

Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go

Sign up for my newsletter here to stay current on my upcoming offerings and podcast interviews!

Website

Listen to the episode: How to Develop Meaningful Relationships with Women in Midlife

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Transcript

Hey, there. It's Laurie. And before we get started on today's episode, I wanted to respond to a one way text that I received from Sabrina. So Sabrina, if you are listening, you sent me a text last week about interested in finding ladies yoga retreats. I don't have two way texting capabilities. It's just one way. So you can go back to last week's episode, and in the show notes, you can locate the Inspired Being my guest, Chelsea and Linda's retreats by clicking on it's their website, The Inspired Being. And if you still have trouble, go ahead and click onto my website, and you can contact me, and I can help you. And for anybody else who is interested in reaching out, sharing any feedback, any topics you'd like to discuss, you can send me a text. It's down in the show notes at the very bottom, but just remember, it's one way. So if you do want me to contact you, please leave a email or phone number and I can communicate with you, preferably email. And if you are interested, I also have a new offering that I am going to be starting the beginning of September. It is a somatic coaching class that I will be offering once a month, the first Wednesday of each month. So that will be September 4. Click the link in the show notes and you can get more information on that, or you can download my beginner's guide to somatic healing, and that will put you on the email list for that upcoming class. And as always, thank you for being here, and I hope you enjoy this episode.

Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host. Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting go. A therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit, and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired, because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life, one confession at a time.

Hey, there free birds. I haven't done a solo episode in a while, and after last week's episode on yoga retreats and the benefits of going on retreats, which is one of the many reasons, is to connect with community and talking to some of my clients and also friends that I've been chatting with. I thought this topic would be a great one, which is talking about female relationships and how we can nurture and create new ones. So you have me all to yourself for the next half hour or so. So stay with me, because it doesn't matter if you're 35 or 60, if you're married, single, divorced, never married, widowed. Creating your female tribe can be challenging, and it takes time, but it's possible when we come from our authentic, compassionate selves and offer vulnerability. 

So today, I'm going to touch on how to check in with yourself and your relationships to see what's missing. Two, the benefits of having and creating a great circle of friends. Three, how to develop and foster those relationships. And lastly, where to meet new adult friends. 

So first checking in if you are currently or at times feel lonely, or maybe it's not even loneliness, it's like something is missing from your relationships. Let's evaluate what areas you can improve on. One of my favorite books is a book called together. It's by Vivek mercy, who is the current Surgeon General, and I've mentioned him before. He wrote a book that. It came out right before covid hit, and it was about loneliness. And in this book, he talks about three dimensions of relationships that we need so that way we don't feel lonely. 

So the first one is our intimate or emotional relationships. This refers to someone who we share a deep mutual bond with. This could also be an intimate partner or that really close friend or confident that you feel like you can tell anything to someone that you really trust. The second one is relational, or social relationships. This refers to your general circle of friends, so maybe not your two or three, or maybe even just one true confidant and true, like bestie, but like your extended circle of friends, things you do with social groups could be book club, maybe even pickleball, if you go out and have a drink after, it could be yoga, and if you meet the same people in yoga class. And then the third is the collective, and that refers to a network or community of people who share similar purpose or interest. So this could be the group that you were involved with or are involved with through PTA or a volunteer group. I know that I'm part of a giving circle where we group, we pull our donation dollars so we can make a larger impact that would be considered more of a collective relationship. And what he talks about is in order for us to feel fulfilled in our lives and not feel less alone. We need to have all three. 

So if you're finding yourself feeling like you're a little lost kilter, or maybe at times you are lonely and you're looking for something else, I'd love for you to answer these questions. I'll also write them up on a short sheet that and put them in the show notes so you can download if you'd like. But one, I think it would be important and valuable for you to sit down and evaluate and really think about maybe over a two or three week period, when you do feel lonely. When are those times? Is it a certain time of the day? Is it something that you feel like is missing out of maybe an existing relationship? And in what three of those categories, do you feel lonely in feeling lonely in your relationship? 

I know for me, I felt very lonely in my marriage, and I remember leaving my marriage, moving out and being alone for the very first time in my life. Well, in like probably 30-35, years, because I had roommates before I got married, I felt less alone living alone than I did in my marriage. And when you're doing this, be honest with yourself and be willing to really consider changing your circumstances, even if it's hard, like I said earlier, track this for two weeks, maybe even a month of like when it is that you feel this yearning for something more, this loneliness, or maybe even it's just a lack or an uneasiness in your body. Is it that your intimate relationships? Is it your wider relational or social friendships that needs to expand. Do you want those deeper conversations with someone that you can really dive in and like, get in your sweats and sit with a glass of wine and really dig into what's going on in each other's lives, and hear each other and be there for each other. Are you afraid of reaching out to others? Do you feel like you don't have anything to offer someone? If that's the case, that's probably an inside job, and maybe there's a little self worth issue there, or something that happened in the past that needs to be worked through. If it's one of those things, you may want to work with a somatic coach like me who can help you work through the trauma or the past, or a therapist. 

Before I go on, there's been multiple times, and I've talked about this on a past podcast that what I will also drop in the show notes, but that I dropped it this past March, and it's called how to develop meaningful relationships with women in midlife, I interviewed several of my friends and asked them very similar questions. But I have struggled with my female relationships through the years. I can remember in grade school and high school really struggling. I can even remember once my kids started elementary school, I was searching for friends as I started coming up for air after four kids, and it can be challenging to find like minded women who you can really connect with. So take a listen to that podcast if you haven't already. 

But what I'm going to share is a collective of my own personal work that I've done, some research I've done, and I really think that doing these things can really help you find those friendships, find those relationships that are meaningful in your life. First, I'll go on to what are the benefits of having a great circle of friends. This is expands on what I mentioned about Vivek Murthy's book, which you don't have to read because it is a little dense, but if you do want to read it, it is informative. But I won't go into a lot of details about this, but the benefits of having a good circle of friends is adult friendships, like I said earlier, create meaningful social connections, and we need that to combat loneliness. 

There is research that's been done around this, and if the pandemic has taught us anything is that we as humans are meant to connect, and we don't do well alone. Adult friendships can also help us live longer, believe it or not, there is research that shows that having friends can actually help add years to your life, and one study found that adults with strong social networks were significantly more likely to live longer. Loneliness has been equated to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, adult friendships are also good for our heart. Research has shown that there's a connection between social isolation and cardiovascular issues and adult friendships that help relieve stress. There's nothing better than downloading to a friend who understands whatever's going on in your life, whether you had a crappy day or you had a fight with your spouse or with one of your children or you just got fired at work, God forbid. Hopefully not. But friendships are so key to our survival, and adult friendships can also help keep us mentally fit. They challenge us, they encourage us to go to the gym together. There is general mental well being that comes from our adult relationships. 

So how do we make new friends when we're adults, especially maybe if your kids are up and out of the house and you aren't that involved with school or school fundraisers and volunteering and those types of things, because those are great ways to do it. But one thing that Vivek Murthy notes in his book, and I want to highlight this so listen closely, is it's not the quantity or frequency of social contact that matters. It's the quality of our connections and how we feel about them. So I want to make sure that you take that in. I'm going to say that one more time, it's not about the quantity of friends or frequency of social contact that matters. It's the quality of our connections and how we feel about them. 

So what does that mean? To me, that means we need to really look at how we are showing up for those relationships. Are we on our phones when we're in a social setting or in a larger group? Are we taking up all the air time and not listening? Are we really having those meaningful conversations and not brushing off what we're really struggling with in any particular moment? The other piece that I want to note here is, when you are with your friends and they pay you a compliment or tell you you look good, or it's great to see you. Can you take that in? Can you feel that? Because that to me, based off of the somatic work that I have done and what I've trained in, if we can allow that in and feel that in our bodies that also equates to the quality of our connections and how we feel about them. 

So here are nine things that I believe are important when looking to make new friends. And one of my dear friends once told me years ago, when I was struggling with my own relationships, my own female relationships is go where the love is. Where do you feel loved and welcomed by others? Don't try and get into the social group that is the status symbol, or in whatever the country club. Go where you are loved and welcomed and you feel cared for. 

Number two, realize that not everyone is going to be for you, and that's okay. If you need to be liked by everyone, you may need to work through that with somebody again. Number three, ask yourself, what do I enjoy the most when I spend time with girlfriends and it's okay to have certain girlfriends you do different things with. I have friends that I walk with, that I have different friends that I ski with, or I have different friends that I go shopping with. Maybe you have a movie friend. Maybe you have a friend that you go on vacation with. If you're single, you don't have to have one person that does it all. It's okay to have different friends that you do different things with. 

Number four, be a good listener. And this is something that I've had to learn, let somebody complete their sentence, complete their thought, complete their statement or even question, before you jump in with your thoughts or to complete their sentence. What is it that we all want, and Oprah says it so well, we all want to be validated and heard. And what better way to do that than to be a good listener? Number five, ask questions and express genuine interest in what's going on in other people's lives. Don't just check the box. People can feel that. People can sense that, and that's not quality, and that's what we're after here. Be a little vulnerable. Tell someone what you are really experiencing. I know it's scary, and oftentimes we feel concerned about being judged. But would happen if that's actually where we connect and how we are going to receive that quality connection that we're searching for that may be missing, and when someone does share something personal or vulnerable with you, can you just listen? Can you leave judgment out of the conversation? Because I don't know where I heard this, but I love this statement, judgment equals punishment, and when we're being vulnerable, the last thing that we will need is to be punished or to feel ashamed of what's going on in our life. 

Number eight, accepting that building a female tribe takes time. Be patient with yourself, be self compassionate about the process, and also be grateful for the friends that you do have, and show that gratitude through a text, hey, Susie, I really enjoyed getting lunch with you. I loved our conversation about thank you so much. That was so meaningful. And my last note was actually what I put in at the beginning, which was talking about the elements we need to feel, to feel less lonely, which was the three dimensions of strong relationships. So how do we meet new friends? Especially as an adult, it can be scary, and our beliefs can get in the way. If you have negative beliefs about yourself, see if you can work through them. It may be worth the investment to work with a coach, to hire a therapist, to work through them. I know Meetup is a great way to meet people, especially now there's hiking groups, there's biking groups, there's lunching groups, there's pretty much anything that you're interested in. You can find it on meetup. I haven't used this one, but I know Bumble is not just for dating, it's also for friends. Volunteer, even if you're working full time, volunteer in your kids school, volunteer in an organization that you feel strongly about. It's a great way to meet new people and to make connections.

I've made so many great friends through volunteering for my at my kids school. So if anybody that's listening that still has kids in school, that's a fabulous way to meet other people, even if you work, I met some great friends that worked and didn't work when my kids were going through school. Talk to people on your kids sports teams, or if they're in band or whatever it is, be friendly. Ask to join a book club if it sounds interesting. And lastly, reach out to your existing group of friends and tell them that you're looking to expand your social circle. I know I did that, and I had a couple of friends who were so warm and welcoming and brought me in to different circles, and I appreciated that, and I'm still friends with them today. 

So just to recap, first, when we're talking about friendships, and this can actually relate to any relationship. It can relate to our relationships with kids, intimate relationships or our friends, but check in with yourself and see what areas in your life are lacking. Is it the intimate relationships? Is it your relational or social relationships? Or is it the collective remember the benefits of friends. It helps combat loneliness. It helps us live longer. It's good for our heart, it relieves stress, and it's good for our mental well being. So for all those reasons, it's worth it to put ourselves out there. And how do we make new friends. Go where the love is. Realize that not everyone is for you. Ask yourself, what do I enjoy the most when I'm spending time with friends, be a good listener, ask questions and express genuine interest. Be a little vulnerable with yourself. Let that guard down just a little bit, leave the judgment behind accept that building female relationships takes time and remember places to meet new friends, meet up, Bumble volunteer, do something that you love. Pick up trash on the beach, go out and have a drink, sit at a coffee shop and smile at people, talk to other people on your kids sports teams and activities, join a book club, reach out to existing groups of friends and tell them you're looking to expand your social circle. These are all different ways, most of them that help me find a really great tribe of friends, and I hope this wisdom and these suggestions will help you find more freedom and more joy and happiness in your friendships. Thanks for being here, freebirds. And don't forget, I have a new somatic class coming up, so if you need to work through something, go ahead and click the link in the show notes and get on my email list. Thanks so much for being here. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a freebird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at Lauriejames.com to learn how we can work together, or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.