7 Tips to Let Go of Divorce Shame and Embrace Emotional Healing

Divorce doesn’t have to be stigmatized! 

When I was contemplating my divorce, I grappled with the societal shame tied to it. I felt like a failure and worried about how others would judge me, my social life, and more…

Over time, I realized it didn’t have to be that way. 

Divorce is undeniably stressful, but with the right mindset and tools, it can be an opportunity to embrace a more compassionate and empowering perspective.

In this episode, I dive into the divorce stigma and why it doesn’t have to be something we’re ashamed of. The divorce process is intricate, but it’s also a part of life for many of us. Today I discuss, divorce shame and provide perspectives on shifting your mindset and processing your emotions.

I’ll delve into:

• Why divorce doesn’t have to be stigmatized and how to release shame the surrounding shame.
• Startaling divorce statistics that could help you alleviate shame.
• The importance of self-compassion in healing post-divorce.
• Tips on how to manage and transform negative thoughts about your divorce.
• How to deal with well-intentioned yet triggering comments from others. 
• Somatic techniques to release emotions tied to divorce.

By the end of this episode, you’ll feel more at peace with your divorce recovery and empowered to move forward with confidence and grace. 

Fly Free Freebirds,

Laurie

These guides will help you take the next step in life. 

Click here to learn about or sign up for my upcoming “Somatic Healing” class, Recover.

Click here for my “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”

Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Transcript

Hey, there, It's Laurie. If you missed my free introduction to somatic healing class in August, don't fret. Every month, starting September 4, at 4pm I will be hosting a somatic class called Recover. It will be the first Wednesday of every month, and the first one is September 4. You can click the link in the bio to learn more about it. But in this class, I will be talking about the science and physiology behind our nervous system and what's happening in our body. I will offer easy, digestible lessons on topics such as boundaries, people pleasing, healthy aggression and the art of feeling. And I will leave time for Q and A so you can ask any questions that you might have about the topics that we're learning that day, so you feel like our time together is complete. So check out the link in the show notes to get more information. I'd love to have you part of this class, and I hope you enjoy today's episode. 
 

Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host , a mother, divorcee, recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit, and here to lift you up on this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired, because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven Llife, one confession at a time. 

Welcome back, free birds, last week, this week and next week. I'm doing a little mini series on divorce, different divorce topics. And today I'm going to talk about the word divorce, because divorce is often looked at as a bad thing. We often feel ashamed about going through one. We equate it to failure. But it doesn't have to be that way. Divorce is very complicated, especially a long term one, and it's also an emotional process that can have both positive and negative consequences. And I think one of the first places to start is just getting comfortable with the fact that divorce is not a dirty word. 

So today I'm going to cover why shame can be associated with the divorce and other negative labels. I'll share some statistics about divorce to give you some perspective. Why it's important to shift your mindset when it comes to divorce, or any negative labels for that matter. And a couple of suggestions to help you shed this label that probably is no longer serving you. Our society has given many words a bad rap. Some of my clients feel ashamed of their divorce, and I get it when I was toying with the idea of leaving my marriage, I struggled with that too. I felt like I was going to be a failure if I left my marriage. I felt ashamed about sharing that word. 
  

Some of the thoughts that I had are, what are my friends going to think? Will I be shunned by certain friends? Will I still get invited as a single person to that favorite annual party anymore. Will mutual friends pick him over me or take sides? And how will I feel about that? 

So why is it important to shift these thoughts? Because these thoughts come from a place of shame, and shame is typically not a productive emotion. It doesn't motivate us to change, and can really keep us stuck and even spiral into a dark place if we don't address it. So if you're feeling any shame or negativity around your divorce or any other label. It's worth investigating and working through these thoughts with a somatic coach, a therapist, or maybe just sharing it with a trusted friend, because carrying around that baggage isn't helpful and is not going to help you rebuild your confidence. 

So I want to start with sharing some facts. As of May 2024 the divorce rate in the US is 42% and that is just for first marriages, the average duration, the average duration of a marriage is eight years, according to the CDC. So if you've made it longer than eight years in your marriage, then consider that a success. Currently almost 40% of those getting divorced are 50 or older. Since 1990s Gray Divorce has doubled, according to the Pew Research Center, and for those over 65 the divorce rate has tripled. We are all living longer than ever. So how do you know at 25 or 30 if you're going to grow together, share the same dreams long term, not lose respect for the other person, or have the tools to work through your differences in a healthy way, because all long term relationships are hard and have many ups and downs. 

So with half of all marriages ending in divorce, why do so many of us feel ashamed or guilty about divorcing? As I said earlier, you might feel like a failure. Maybe you know very few people who have been divorced, you might fear losing your friendships. We as humans don't like change, but in reality, change is the only constant, because everything around us is constantly changing. We also fear losing some of those relationships that might be meaningful. So how do we combat shame around divorce or any other negative label that you're bumping up against. 

So I have seven tips on how to combat shame around divorce, or really any other negative label. One research supports that self compassion and kindness toward oneself through the divorce process is crucial to making the emotional experience more manageable. So what does that look like? That looks like working on your negative thoughts, giving yourself the time and the space to process your feelings and your emotions, not rushing to make decisions. 

Number two, when you have the belief or a part of you that feels uncomfortable or embarrassed or whatever word resonates with you, tell yourself you're not going to buy into the idea that you failed at your marriage.
  

Number three, when sharing your story with others, admit that there's a part of you that does feel sad, scared, ashamed, again, insert the word that fits with you. That's authenticity, and most people can connect more easily with us than when we're ranting. This will also help you maintain your self esteem instead of letting the shame take over. So for instance, if someone says something that triggers you about your divorce, instead of getting defensive and spiraling into the shame, consider saying something like long term relationships are complicated and complex. I know that you mean well, but I'm still raw, and that statement isn't helping or put that into your own words, standing up for yourself and what's right for you, regardless of whether you wanted the divorce or not, it's so important for your self esteem. 

Number four, sit with your shame when you feel it. Somatically, we need to let our emotions emerge. We need to experience them. We need to express them in a healthy way, not targeted at others, but with a safe person, whether that's your therapist or a somatic coach like myself. Someone who can hold space for you, because we need to expel them and let that energy discharge out of our bodies. Otherwise it gets stuck in our nervous system, and we will continue to feel unease until it turns into dis ease in our body, or eventually a disease. 

Number five, I recently ran across a quote from Reese Witherspoon that says, and I really loved this, the sooner you figure out that other people's opinion of you are never your business, and it literally doesn't matter what they think of you, you become free, totally free. And if that's not what this podcast is all about, is setting ourselves free. 

And six, I'll offer a coaching tip if you're still struggling with this. So when you have a negative thought or feeling of shame, stop for a moment and say that thought three times. So for example, I feel ashamed of my divorce. I feel ashamed of my divorce. I feel ashamed of my divorce. Notice what sensations you feel in your body when you say that and have that thought. Where do you notice them in your body? Maybe you even write them down if you need help distinguishing download my free beginner's guide to somatic healing. The link is in the show notes. For language, on the back page, there's a great page full of bodily sensations to start developing language. 

Second, say to yourself, I'm having the thought that I'm ashamed of my divorce. I'm having the thought that I'm ashamed of my divorce. And again, when you say that to yourself, What sensations do you feel when you have that thought? Where do you notice them in your body? Do they feel a little less? And then lastly, you say, I'm noticing I'm having the thought. I'm noticing I'm having the thought. And again, what do you notice in your body, and where can you bring language to the sensations you're feeling? And oftentimes, when we go through this practice of saying the sentence and then putting, I am having the thought, and then third, I'm noticing I'm having the thought. And each time saying that three times, by the third round, when you say, I'm noticing I'm having the thought, oftentimes, we can feel more removed from that thought. Our negative thoughts are powerful, and when we can detach from them and become an observer of them, we can shift our mindset, and oftentimes, we can also shift the sensations that are happening in our body. 

And the last tip I will offer is, can you stay curious. Curious about why you are holding on to this belief and to this thought and how that is affecting you, when we can stay curious and open about what's going on, not only in our brains but also in our body. Oftentimes, what happens is information comes in, and we can be open to shifting our beliefs, our ideals, around divorce, around a marriage or whatever word or issue that you're struggling with. IfIf you've really tried hard to work on your marriage, or maybe your spouse made the decision for you, but you've given your all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. 

So let me just recap what we discussed. We talked about shame and how it's associated with divorce or other negative labels. I shared some statistics around divorce to give you some perspective. We also talked about why it's important to shift your mindset when it comes to divorce. And then I gave you a couple suggestions of how to shed this label that might no longer be serving you. And just to recap those suggestions on how to shed one self compassion and kindness towards our self is critical. Work through your negative thoughts and replace them with something that's more positive. When you're sharing your story and you do feel ashamed or sadness or scared, share that as part of your story. If someone says something that triggers you or triggers that shame. It's okay to say, I know you mean well, but I'm still raw, and that isn't helping, or that was hurtful. And somatically, sit with the shame that you're feeling. Let the emotions emerge. We need to let these experiences emerge. We need to experience them. We need to express them in a healthy way, so that way we can expel the energy that might be stuck in our bodies, because that's the way we complete our fight, flight or freeze response. And the Reese Witherspoon quote, the sooner you figure out that other people's opinion of you are never your business, and it literally doesn't matter what they think of you, you become free. And lastly, the coaching tip that I offered, say the sentence, I'm ashamed of my divorce three times. Check in with the sensations in your body, where you're feeling them, where you're noticing them. Go to 'I'm having the thought' before the sentence add that and say that three times, and check in with your body. And then, thirdly, say, I'm noticing I'm having the thought three times. 

Remember our negative thoughts are powerful, but when we can detach from them and become the observer, we can shift our mindset and what we're feeling in our body. So I hope you found this episode helpful, and I hope it also allows you to find a little more freedom through your divorce process. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together, or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately, find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.