How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (and Start Setting Healthy Boundaries)

I must confess, I’m a recovering people pleaser. 

For years, I bent over backward to keep the peace in my marriage. I avoided conflict like the plague and ensured everyone else was happy even at the expense of my happiness. Where did it all start? In my childhood.

Does this sound familiar? If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly putting others first, afraid to say no, or sacrificing your needs to gain approval, you're not alone. And it’s time to understand where that stems from and how to change it.

Today I’ll delve into a topic that resonates with many of us—people pleasing.

In this episode, I’ll share: 

• My personal journey to overcoming people pleasing behavior.
• What causes us to become people pleasers? 
• How our coping mechanisms in our childhood can lead to people-pleasing habits as adults.
• How low self-esteem, negative experiences and trauma can lead to people-pleasing habits. 
• The 8 common signs of a people pleaser and how setting boundaries can help you recover too.  
• 10 ways you can stop being a people pleaser.
• And somatic practices that will help you break free so you can develop stronger boundaries. 

And I share a couple of my favorite quotes from Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle.

So start prioritizing yourself and tune into this episode. 

Cheers to finding more inner freedom,

Laurie

These guides will help you take the next step in life. 

Click here to watch my FREE Intro to Somatic Healing Class Replay - Request permission to watch. 

Click here to learn about my Monthly “Somatic Healing” class - RECOVER October 2nd 4pm - People Pleasing.

Click here for my FREE “Somatic Healing for Beginners Guide”

Click here for my FREE Core Values Exercise

Click here to purchase my book: Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Transcript

Hey, there. It's me, Laurie, before we get started on today's episode, I just wanted to remind you of my next somatic healing class that will be October 2. It's a virtual, it starts at 4pm and we're going to talk about all things, people pleasing, where it originates from signs that you might be a people pleaser, and both coaching and somatic ways to stop being a people pleaser. So I hope you'll join me. Click the link in the show notes for more information. It's going to be a great class, and I hope you enjoy this episode

Today on Confessions of a Freebird.

I love this quote by Brene Brown from her book, Braving The Wilderness. True belonging is not passive. It's not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It's not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it's safer. It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments, and I will add and stand up for ourselves.

Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host. Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding On and Letting Go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer, and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit, and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half, so pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life. One confession at a time. 

Welcome back, free birds. Today I'm going to talk about a topic I know many of us deal with people pleasing. I'm going to share and identify what people pleasing is, how we become people pleasers and ways to overcome being one. Because I have to confess, I am a recovering people pleaser. For sure, I was the peacekeeper for much of my life, and I'm guessing some of you listeners might be too. I also know this is something that a few of my clients struggle with and friends, which is why I thought this would be a great topic to discuss. 

People pleaser personalities can be caused by many different things. For some it might be a lack of confidence or feeling like they need others approval to be happy. Maybe you've learned from past experiences that people pleasing is a way to avoid conflict or to feel accepted into a group or family or social setting. For me, people pleasing started in my childhood. I didn't feel like I belonged in my family, and I often found myself trying not to make waves, to upset my mom or dad. My mom had a lot on her plate. She was raising three kids. She was a full time teacher. She managed the house, and I saw the stress she carried. 

My dad would oftentimes throw temper tantrums when things didn't go his way, kind of like a three year old. And then there was my older brother, who I've talked about on past episodes, but he had anger and substance abuse issues and started drinking alcohol at the age of 13, which that made me nine. I never knew which one of his personalities would walk through the front door. Sometimes he could be super nice. Other times, he was extremely volatile, which left me being very hyper vigilant and hyper aware. I didn't always feel safe around him. My mom wasn't always there to protect me, and my dad wouldn't stand up to him. So I learned early on to minimize what was going on with me emotionally, to avoid the stress and keep the peace.

When I would get the courage to try and express my emotions, it was oftentimes shut down. I was often told stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about, or go cry in your room. Don't know if any of you have heard similar statements growing up, but this left me often trying to find ways to fit in to my adopted family. I would often abandon myself for the sake of keeping the peace in my family, overriding what I wanted or what I thought was best for me and my intuition and that is normal when it comes to growing up because we need to keep ourselves safe. 

Fast forward many years, I repeated that pattern at my marriage. I acquiesced to my husband. Strong personality, and when the metaphorical gentle nudges turned into taps on my shoulder, I ignored them. It wasn't until about 18-19, years into my marriage when an emotional two by four hit me upside the head that I finally woke up. And from a spiritual standpoint, that's kind of what happens when we have lessons we need to learn. There's typically little nudges, then there's taps on the shoulder. We might even get pushed over, and if we still don't listen, then the metaphorical two by four hits us in the head. 

I know we all need to learn our own lessons in our own time, but if you have caught yourself people pleasing, let this be your sign, your nudge, your gentle push to start changing that. I love this quote by Brene Brown from her book, Braving The Wilderness. True belonging is not passive. It's not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It's not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it's safer. It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments, and I will add and stand up for ourselves. 

So why are some people people pleasers? Well, I mentioned a few at the beginning, but often the root of being a people pleaser comes down to a very deep need for love and acceptance and a fear of rejection and a fear of conflict. It's a feeling that to be liked or valued, we must constantly meet others expectations and disregard our own, or not pay attention to our own. This might stem from experiences in our past that shaped us as I shared mine and how we interact with others. 

It can be caused by trauma, again, experiences of rejection, repeated experiences of abandonment, feeling unappreciated and not respected. But here's the thing, when we stop being people pleasers, we actually become more respected. Yes, let that soak in. When we don't allow others to walk all over us, we develop respect from others. 

So I have six reasons that may cause people pleasing. There may be others, but we abandoned ourselves for the sake of keeping the peace, like I said earlier, in our family or in a specific relationship, aka my marriage, leaving us unable to express our emotions to our family members or our partner. We become hyper aware and learn to take care of everybody else's emotional needs to avoid confrontation. That's number two. 

I also think, at times and for certain people, and I think I fell victim of this is it's a way we feel valued. It's a way that we can develop worth, not necessarily the healthy way. Somatically. We call this the fawn response, and it is a mixture of a somatic state, which is where we are doing, going, doing things, but then also a part of us is shut down, which is our ability to stand up for ourselves. 

And five, our nervous system plays a role in this. When we're children and we're faced with a conflict. Between a flight response or fleeing a situation or attaching to a caregiver for safety. When we're children, we're always going to choose attachment over fleeing, even if maybe you leave for a period of time, you're always going to come back to your parents because you need to for your survival. 

So what are the signs that you are a people pleaser? Well, there's eight that I have. There may be more, but if you have a difficulty saying no to others, even when your gut instinct tells you otherwise. That's number one. Number two, you tell people, Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. When inside your nervous system or your gut instinct is telling you otherwise. Number three, a cause could be a lack of self esteem. You rely on others for their opinions, for their approval, because you don't feel confident on your own to make these decisions. I know I had that when I was in wanting to leave my marriage, I kept looking outside and asking other people, what do you think about the situation? What would you do if you were in my position? I didn't have the strength or the self esteem of courage to make that decision on my own. 

Number four, you might feel bad, guilty or selfish when you prioritize yourself. The problem with this is you eventually become angry and resentful to others and feel taken advantage of because you didn't put up a stronger boundary. I know I am definitely guilty of that one. You neglect self care. You will do things for others that you won't do for yourself. Maybe you'll pay for therapy for your kids, but you won't pay for yourself. You'll send your kids to physical therapy or have them take them shopping, but you won't shop for yourself. Another example is you may allow yourself to become emotionally drained when caring for others. Again, check. 

Number six. You don't have an opinion about things. You'll say things like, oh, I don't really care what we do. I don't care what restaurant we go to, when, in reality, you actually do have an opinion, but there's a part of you that might be a little afraid of voicing that. And seven you fear, if you don't speak up, others won't like you, or they'll reject you. And as I said earlier. In actuality, people will end up respecting you more when you stand up for yourself. And lastly, number eight, when left unattended, we become very critical of ourselves. There can be self loathing there, even self harming behaviors in severe situations. 

So out of those eight, if you identify with two or three of those on a regular basis, I would say you're a people pleaser. And what else I want to say is there's a difference between being of service to others and gaining our worth or value by caring for others, and that's something that I really struggled with at times when I was raising my four kids and caring for my elderly parents, that was a fine line that I had to walk. And before we move on, I just want to also say when parents are emotionally withholding, controlling or abusive, physically or emotionally, they don't help their children develop emotionally in a healthy way. And so if you have been in this situation, know that it's not your fault. 

We do what we have to as children to survive. So I have 10 steps or suggestions that you can take to stop being a people pleaser. Take what works for you and leave the rest. I often say but one, start turning inward and noticing your patterns with regards to the eight signs that you're a people pleaser. Maybe you even write them down in a journal or on your phone to help create more awareness. Number two, be kind to yourself, have self compassion and remind yourself, like I just recently said, it's not your fault. Educate yourself on trauma if that's what you think is the cause of it. 

Number five, take small steps in coaching, we call these turtle steps, or baby steps. In the somatic world, we call this titration. And underneath this, maybe even imagine yourself saying no, stand in front of a mirror and say no out loud, maybe if somebody asks you to do something, give yourself time. Tell them you need to think about it and get back to them. You don't owe anybody an answer right away. 

The next four are going to be somatic based. So number six, take a recent experience that you wished would have gone differently based off of your response, check in with the physiology in your body and visualize what you wished would have happened instead. Check in with your body before you do this exercise and check in and notice the sensations in your body after, even if they're very subtle, notice the difference. If it's a situation that caused you to become angry, squeeze your fist really hard and open and close your hands slowly check in with your body and notice the sensations that helps to complete when we do that a couple of times that can help complete that fight response or the fawn response that we might be experiencing. Number eight, get a piece of string or yarn and lay it out in your living room around you. Really connect with your body and say, How far do I want this yarn around me? Stand in the middle and tell yourself, this is my boundary, and no one can come into this space without my permission.

You can do this on a weekly basis, a daily basis, if you're struggling with something to really develop that agency that got lost when you were a child, and if you weren't able to say no in a situation, take a towel and twist it really tight and flex your muscles, then release it. That helps to release the cortisol and the adrenaline in us, notice the sensations in your body, repeat that a couple of times, if necessary. 

So these are all different ways that we can stop being people pleasing and the last the somatic ones are great because they help to rewire our neural pathways and teach ourselves new ways of coping and managing and setting boundaries for ourselves. So before I do a recap, I want to just share another quote by Glennon Doyle, who I also love. When a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself, and when we start pleasing ourselves, we find so much more freedom within. 

And just to recap, we talked about people pleasing. What can cause us to become people pleasers? How to identify if you're a people pleaser, and ways to overcome one. And I hope this helps you find more freedom within, set healthier boundaries for yourself, and become more empowered on your healing journey. Be well free birds. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a freebird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together, or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately, find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.