7 Ways to Nurture Stronger Relationships With Your Children at Any Age

In this solo episode, I get a little personal and share my parenting journey—specifically, what I’ve learned from raising my four daughters. 

Parenting has been one of my biggest teachers and today I’m sharing my insights, stories, and a few hard-earned lessons about the deep bond we create with our kids.

Here’s what you’ll takeaway:

• The science behind why a parent’s love for their children is so strong.
• The importance of letting your kids make mistakes and why this builds emotional resilience no matter their age.
• How to develop children’s independence.
• Why it’s essential to not rely on your kids for emotional support.  
• Why it’s a sign of strength to ask for help from professionals when needed and how to recognize when it’s an urgent matter.
• Why believing in your children’s abilities can be a game-changer for their self-esteem. 
• 7 ways to nurture your relationship with your children as they grow into adulthood.
• 5 strategies to repair the parent-child relationship when there’s been a conflict or rupture.

Whether you’re navigating parental challenges or looking to improve your family relationships, this episode offers practical, actionable tips to help you strengthen your relationship with your children at any age.

Here’s to love, growth, and deeper connections,

Laurie

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Transcript

Hey there, it's Laurie. Two quick announcements before we get started. If you haven't, don't forget to sign up for my somatic healing class that takes place Wednesday, October 9, at 4pm. It's virtual, and as I've mentioned, we're going to dig into people pleasing, the fawn response, and how to gently move out of that state so you can feel safe to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Spots are limited, so click the link in the show notes to sign up today. And second, I am having a contest, and I'd love for you to be part of it, if you leave me a review on the podcast and then send me your email in the one way, text link that's in the show notes, you will be entered into a drawing to win a $50 Target gift card. I'll be drawing that name the first Thursday in November. So don't forget to do that. And this is going to be a solo episode, a very personal one. So I hope you enjoy it. 

Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host. Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit, and here to lift you up on this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired, because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life, one confession at a time. 

Welcome back, freebirds. Today I'm going to talk about a topic that is near to my heart, and that is about my relationship with my four daughters. It's a topic I haven't really touched on much, but it's been calling me over the last couple weeks, especially after last week's episode that I did with Kathy Batista. And if you haven't listened to it, circle back around to it. There's a lot of great tips in there, and you can also refer back to the first podcast I did with Kathy Batista called How to Turn Midlife Transitions into Your Best Years. It's one of my top rated podcasts that has been downloaded, and lots of really wonderful information in there that I know will be helpful for you as you continue to spread your wings and begin to fly post empty nesting. 

So raising my kids is one of my proudest accomplishments. As many of you know, I do have four daughters, and from a very young age, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Before my first daughter was born, though I never thought that I wanted to stay home with my kids. I didn't want to rely on a man. I've always been very independent. Often I had to be growing up, but after I held my first daughter in my arms, I realized in that moment I didn't want someone else to raise my kids. 

I knew in that moment that I wanted to be the primary person in their lives, and I don't want to take anything away from the parent who might be listening to this, who didn't have that desire and did want to work, because it's such an individual decision. There is no right or wrong, it's what works for you and your family unit. I do feel very fortunate that I was able to stay home once I got the nerve up to have that discussion with my then husband. And I think most of you that are listening will agree with this, that our love for our kids, whether you have daughters or sons or somebody in between, we love our children with so much heart. There's no other love like it. There's no other relationship. 

It's that Mama Bear kind of love that our partners and spouses don't have. I do believe it's a different type of love than a man has with their children, and again, it doesn't make their relationship less important with their children. I think it's important to have both, and that's in the best interest of our kids, if that's possible. But when we have given birth and nurtured these beings into the world as mothers, that is just a different kind of love. 

I don't necessarily believe in unconditional love without healthy boundaries and self love first, which could be its own podcast conversation, which I may do in the future. I do believe there's a deeper love we have with our children, even when our kids do things we don't necessarily agree with, or as they get older and they're making bigger mistakes as bigger kids, smaller mistakes as smaller kids. That was a lesson that I didn't quite understand. 

When my kids were very young, a friend said to me, little kids, little problems. Bigger kids, bigger problems. I was like, I don't get it. What bigger problems could there be? Oh, boy, as you probably have experienced, that is very true, and I'm going to share a few of mine on this podcast today. I also don't proclaim to have all the answers here, and I know I have made many mistakes along the way, just ask any one of my four daughters, but I've really tried to learn from each experience, and through raising my kids become a better version of myself along the way. I've also reached out to professionals when needed, and I do believe that I had a very good foundation to work with from the beginning. 

But I think it's also important for us to realize that we can't do this alone. We don't have all the answers, and when you think about it, we take our kids to the doctor when they have a medical need, and we aren't less than to ask for support or help from others. When it comes to raising our kids, it's actually a sign of strength. The president or CEO of a company doesn't do it all, he has a CIO, a CFO and a COO and that's no different than when we're raising kids. 

I remember when my oldest was maybe one, and she had horrible sleeping problems. She kept wanting to sleep with us. My ex husband didn't want there to be a family bed, and so I went to a therapist, a family therapist, and she gave me some great suggestions on getting kids outside, exerting their energy, so when they come back to the house, they're happy to see their toys. If you have an animal, put that animal in the same bedroom, and then eventually, when my next daughter came along, I put those two together. 

Once the kids hit middle school, one of my kids had ADHD. I sensed it as she was going through grade school, and it got harder for her to manage, she was a smart girl, but it was much harder for her to manage that, and I had to address it, and I took that into my own hands. I did not trust the school. I went to an outside person to test her. I got those test results, and then I came back and got her accommodations. Now there were complications with that, because she didn't necessarily want them, because that made her feel other, and that was a whole separate issue, and we have to honor our kids in that situation, instead of pushing what we want on them. And I'll going to go deeper into that. 

One of my kids had a lot of anxiety in her junior year of high school because she felt like she needed to figure everything out as a junior in high school. She came into my room one night and told me that she was unhappy, and she'd been unhappy for a while, I immediately found help for her. Asking for help from professionals is not a reflection of you or your parenting. Again, it's a sign of strength. 

So today I'm going to talk about why a parent's love is so strong, and the science behind it. How to continue to nurture our relationships with our children as they grow into adulthood, and how to repair our relationships with them when there is a conflict or rupture. So I'm going to share five scientific reasons why a parent's love for their children can be so strong. 

The first one is hormones. The hormone oxytocin is released during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, which can help us bond with our kids. That oxytocin is often called the love hormone, because it creates that feeling of warmth and love and protection for our children. There's attachment theory. Attachment theory is the theory that people form deep connections with others who provide a sense of security and support. So when we provide that security and support for our kids, that is providing them the foundation for a secure attachment style. 

I have a podcast that I dropped back in August of 2023 called improve your relationships, the four attachment styles and how to become more secure that you can take a listen to for more information on attachment theory and attachment styles. 

And third, it's parents own experiences and values. We love our children, but sometimes that love can be rooted in our own experiences, values and also culture. We as parents want to provide our children with that love and support and opportunities that maybe we didn't have as children. Right? You often hear these stories about immigrants coming to this country to provide their families with a better opportunity, I know that was certainly a case for me. I wanted to provide and create a different family dynamic than what I had growing up, certainly, even though my parents weren't immigrants. 

And lastly, a study found that children whose parents consistently believe in their abilities earn significantly higher grades than their less supported peers. And that is powerful and reminds me that the words we say to our children, whether they're young, high school students or adults matter, especially if their love language is words of affirmation. 

So I've also created seven ways to nurture your relationships with your kids as they grow. The first one is, if you still have kids at home, I often used to have the punishment fit the crime. So what does that mean if your kid doesn't clean up their room when asked, tell them they cannot hang out with their friends until after it's done. Also give them age appropriate responsibilities. My kids had chores growing up, I made them make their beds every morning, clean up after dinner, take out the trash. They hated this, but as they got older, I increased those responsibilities. I started having them do their own laundry, so that way they knew how to do it, how to structure it in their day. 

But I'm going to share this story because I was at one of my daughter's apartments. One of them lives in New York, and when I went to her apartment, one of the first things that I saw her doing when we woke up in the morning is straightening up. She made her bed, she made breakfast. We all made breakfast together, and she cleaned up. She has kittens, so she went and cleaned out the kitty litter. She had a routine and that even though it was a struggle growing up, I felt like I had accomplished what I had meant to when raising them was to make sure that they are contributing members to society and can take care of themselves. 

And I also want to say it's never too late, even if you have adult children, start asking for help around the holidays or when they come home from college. If we don't ask, others we'll assume that we're happy doing it all, and then that's when, oftentimes, that resentment starts building up inside of us. 

Number three, don't look to be their friend. I would often say, I'm not your maid. I am your mother, and my job is to teach you how to care for yourself, and as I said, just now be a contributing member of society in a way that honors who they are. I often made them help me with Thanksgiving dinner when they were younger, and now we love to cook together, and it's a shared experience that is such a beautiful way to connect with them, and I didn't care if they didn't like me in particular moments. I was not there to be their friend. I was there to make sure that they were making smart decisions and that they were safe. And if you're looking for your kids approval and trying to be their friend, then that might be an opportunity to turn inward and to understand why you need your child's approval, just saying, and that may be an opportunity for you to, if you need support, reach out to a therapist, to a coach like me to help you work through that. Because when we can do this hard work, when they're younger, as they become adults, that's when we really get to reap the rewards of that adult relationship. 

Number four, part of preparing my kids for college was making sure that they had the right tools to cope. As I said earlier, one of my kids had really horrible anxiety, her junior year in college. And then her sister ended up having some physical health issues, and I worked really hard to make sure that my daughter, who had anxiety, ended up getting the therapy that she needed. She had the coping mechanism so that way, when she did go away to college, that she had what she needed, she could call her therapist if necessary, and she was one of my kids who didn't go very far away from school, which I think was also a really smart decision, and I let that be her decision, not what I thought was best for her. 

Number five, dealing with the emotional teenager, that is a huge struggle. And for any of you who are dealing with that right now, my heart goes out to you. It is not easy, but what helped me was when I realized that their anger, their frustration, wasn't about me, it was about their emotions. And what I share with my clients who do have kids at home is that that is their way of separating and detaching from us, so they can leave the nest and spread their wings. And as they spread their wings, that's an opportunity for you to also then spread yours after raising them. 

Number six honor who your kids are not what you think they should be. One of the things I really struggled with my then husband was he would often project what he felt was best for the kids, instead of asking our kids what they wanted, what do you want to do? What makes you happy? What are you good at? What does the world need? When we raise our kids? Kids and project what we want on them. That's our ego stepping in. I want my kid to go to an Ivy League school or join a certain club sports team. I is about you. Want is about possession. What about what your kids want? 

One of the things I often said to my kids is when they were on a competitive sports team, is when this stops being fun, then you can be done with it. It doesn't mean that they're a failure. It doesn't mean that they're quitters, it just means that they're listening to what's right for them, and when we allow that, it creates an opportunity for something else to come in for them. And we have to trust our kids own path, because when we allow them to choose that path, we are teaching them from an early age to trust themselves and to trust their own intuition, instead of always coming to us for looking looking for guidance. 

And an example of that is I remember my middle daughter, deciding between two schools. I think I mentioned this on my last podcast, and it was a very difficult decision. She is my academic kid, and got into two really great schools, but she had her heart set on going away. But I really, as she really did the research and looked into both of these schools, she realized that one of them was a better fit for her. One of these schools gave her money, but also the program that she would be part of actually was more in line with what she wanted to do and would offer her more experience through research, through studying abroad, etc. 

So how do we pair our relationship with our kids, especially when there's been a conflict or rupture before I get into that first, I don't believe we should rely on our kids for emotional support. That doesn't mean that we can't share some of what's going on with us, or that we are sad having a bad day, or maybe even struggling with anxiety. But don't turn to them for answers if you're having a problem, or as your first call when something goes wrong, unless they are local and they can help directly with what's happening, but especially if it's about another family member that just pits everyone against each other and creates more tension and animosity. If you want that, you can go watch the Kardashians or the housewives of choose your city for that drama. But two, pick and choose your battles, let your kids have age appropriate decisions.

You still can put boundaries around let's say they're recently received their driver's license. You can have the car on these two days, and if they push back and say, well, Susie has a brand new car, well then maybe you encourage them to get a job and contribute to a car, so that way they can also have a car, because when we do that, they actually typically have more invested interest in taking care of that car, or whatever it is. 

Three we shouldn't expect our kids to take sides, even if we felt wronged by our ex or by another person in the family, and you have a lot of anger or resentment towards that person, It's important to keep that to ourselves, and we can vent to our girlfriends, to our therapists, to our coaches. 

Number four, let your kids fail, like Mel Robbins says, Let them. Unless it's immoral, illegal or threatens their life, and this is hard, this is fucking hard. But think about the times that you've learned the most and you've grown the most. It's typically when we've made a mistake and we failed and we had to learn the hard way. Something went awry. Let them fall down, let them dust themselves off and pick themselves back up. Don't be the helicopter mom. Some might call this tough love. I personally call it smart. 

Number five, like in any relationship, it's not about making the mistake. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. It's how we repair the mistake that makes all the difference. So within that, do not be afraid to apologize when we can apologize for a mistake that we made. What better way to role model for our kids than to take responsibility for our own actions? Find humility and vulnerability to admit that we made mistakes. This shows our kids and loved ones that we are human, that we have feelings, we have emotions, and we have enough awareness. 

I have definitely apologized for some of my choices when my kids were younger, and I didn't have the awareness back then that I have now, but what's key is to understand that we did the best we could with what we had at the time. We don't have to be the perfect parent, but we need to be the good enough parent. And what else this teaches our kids is it teaches them that they don't have to be perfect either.

And lastly, when you're thinking about how to respond to your kids or any loved one for that manner, ask yourself one question, will my actions bring me connection to them or protection? And I'm continuing to explore this and learning new ways. Sometimes we need protection from family members. I know I need it from my oldest brother, who struggles with addiction issues and has from the age of 13, hence my lack of belief in unconditional love. But often we want to move closer to connection. So how do we use that? Use I statements when you said or did X I felt Y instead of blaming them or assuming their intent. 

And lastly, don't use extremes like always and never. You never call me anymore. You're always late. That doesn't help. So just to recap what we covered today, we talked about why we have such strong bonds with our kids, how to nurture our relationships with them as they grow, and how to repair our relationships with them when there's a rupture. 

And we all need to continue to awaken ourselves and understand how we are showing up in our kids lives, whether they're young, grade school, high school, college or adults and learn how to have more unconditional acceptance of them and who they are, because at the end of the day, we all want to be seen, heard and loved for who we are, and the best way to do that is to role model that for our children, whatever their age. 

So I hope you find a few nuggets of insight in today's conversation that you can take with you, take what works and leave the rest. And I hope this helps you find a little more freedom within and don't forget to join me for my next somatic healing class on Wednesday, October 9, at 4pm until next time, freebirds. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Freebird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at laurieejames.com to learn how we can work together, or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how date and relationship differently and ultimately, find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also, until next time.