Hey, Free Birds, One quick reminder before we get started. Today, my next somatic class will be December 4, Wednesday, at 4pm so click the link in my bio if you're interested in signing up for that. It has been getting some really wonderful feedback and so helpful for the people that have been attending. And second, enjoy this podcast on my nine tips on how to make the holidays suck just a little less this holiday season, and this comes from experience, so stay with me and enjoy the show.
Welcome to Confessions of a Freebird podcast. I'm your host Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, a recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched A Memoir of Holding on and Letting go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit, and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired, because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose driven life one confession at a time.
Well, free birds, the holidays are upon us, and I'm not sure where the last year went, but here we are in the middle of November. So how are you feeling about the upcoming holidays? Are you looking forward to them? Uncertain about them, wishing that OG or original gang was back together again, even though you might be in a better place than before. Do you feel conflicted? Or do you want to pull the covers over your head and hide until January? Well, I just want you to know that you aren't alone. The holidays can be a time of mixed emotions, love, heartache, joy and stress. They can frankly, just plain out suck, depending on when and where you are on your personal journey, even though we all want that Hallmark holiday and to be grateful for everything, they can also evoke a lot of grief. All the festivities can be both super fun and overwhelmingly lonely, even as the holidays are an invitation for joy and cozy connection, they're probably also going to let us know how much healing we've done, and if you need to tend to your soul or your nervous system. So a week ago or so, I was sitting in my girlfriend's car. We had just finished doing our body pump class at the gym. Yes, I'm trying to be better at staying out of the nursing home. I don't like pumping weights, but I know it's good for me.
Anyways, and we were talking about the holidays coming up, and I noticed some heaviness in my chest and a lump in my throat, and I got a little emotional. After we talked a little bit longer, and I reflected on the things that were going on in my life, I realized there were two main reasons why I was feeling more emotional this year. The first my oldest daughter just got engaged, which I am super happy about. She's starting this new life with a great guy, and they both adore each other and seem to be super happy, but I just noticed some feelings bubbling up inside after this happened, and it took me a while to connect to them. You know, after my conversation with my girlfriend in the car, I realized, even though I love everything that she's got going on for herself and everything that I've created for myself since I left my marriage seven years ago, I had a moment of mourning for what she called the OG, the original gang of having that original family unit together.
Even though I don't want to be married to my ex and I've created this incredible life for me. I realized both can be true, like I can be happy for what I created, but I can still have this moment of grief. Still, that kind of showed up. And next week, I'm dropping a really wonderful podcast with a grief expert that is going to be great. It's not depressing, and there's so much good, valuable information my guest, Krista, is offering. So note that.
Going back to my story later that week, I also then worked on this issue with my somatic practitioner. I had a really good cry. I really felt into what was happening in my body and allowed it to move through me. And boy, I wasn't expecting the emotions that came up that did come up, but one of the big things that I accepted was this dichotomy of both of these things can be true and that there is space for both things.
The second thing that has been floating around is three of my four kids aren't coming home for Thanksgiving this year, and I was putting my notes together for this episode, I realized a couple of things. One, for most of the last 32 years, I have hosted Thanksgiving, and there's really only one other time my kids have not come home for Thanksgiving, and that was the second year after I left my marriage, which was not a great it was probably my worst Thanksgiving I've ever had, because the two kids that did come home were at my ex's house, and I spent the majority of the day alone, which was not Good for me. But what I did after that is I learned to speak up for what I needed come Christmas.
And the other thing I just want to note is the reason they're not coming home is because I feel very, very lucky that I get to spend a whole week with them, all, four of my daughters, their boyfriends, my bo Jeff, because I have a big 60th birthday coming up that I'm celebrating, and we are all going to be in the Caribbean for a week together. So my goal on that trip is to fill my cup up with all of their love and quality time, which will carry me through the Thanksgiving. Do I expect to shed a tear or two? Probably? Will I make it through? Yes, but spending time with my girls is one of my favorite things to do in the world, and so I'm going to take every opportunity on my trip to cherish that time, really take it in and fill up my emotional cup.
I also want to make a point that I'm not sharing this because I'm looking for empathy. I'm sharing this because I want to make a point that even seven years post divorce, I still have moments of grief about my life that's changed. Has it gotten easier? Absolutely. Does it come up as often, or do I think about it less often? Absolutely, Do I regret making the decision I made? No. Am I human? Am I still going to have moments of sadness? Yes, yes, and you will too, and that is okay. It is okay to be human and have this human experiences of feeling a range of emotions.
Hi, free birds. I wanted to take a quick moment out of this episode and tell you about a friend and mentor of mine, Julie Riesler. She is a master coach and founder of Intuitive Life Designer Coach Academy certification program. She is starting her 12th cohort on january 30, 2025, and is offering early bird pricing if you sign up before December 31. I personally worked with Julie a year and a half ago, and I'm part of her monthly membership program called sanctuary, I interviewed several master coaches and felt that Julie was in alignment with me and had my best interest at heart. She really helped me become the coach I am today, and I am so thankful for that. Also know that I don't endorse products or services I don't believe in or have tried myself her Intuitive Life designer coach Academy Certification Program is a very comprehensive four month program that I recommend. This extensive and experiential, integrative life coach, certification training will build your confidence, intuition, empower you with specific tools, methodology and proven steps. You need to create a coaching practice that changes lives and enhances your spiritual connection. Even if you don't want to become a coach, it is an incredible healing experience in itself. Learn how you can become a transformative life coach certified through the intuitive life designer coach Academy by clicking the link in the show notes. Now back to this episode.
So welcome back free birds. So first I want to talk about mixed emotions. I did a little research before I recorded this, and new research says that mixed emotions are real. There was a study done at USC that did some brain scans of brain activity with people that were experiencing mixed emotions, and the scans that they looked at showed distinct neuro activity when experiencing emotions such as bittersweetness. So often, I think we feel like we should be positive, always positive, or only experience one emotion. And there hasn't been a lot of studies around this, because emotions are often thought to exist only on a spectrum from negative to positive, and it's also been easier for them to study one feeling at a time. So even though this hasn't been researched a lot, this study that they did at USC actually found that we can feel both positive and negative emotions at the same time. That it is normal to experience both positive and negative feelings at the same time.
So today, I'm going to touch on normalizing this and accepting that mixed emotions like grief and gratitude can both be present at the same time, and how acknowledging this can make the holidays suck less through nine simple practices or tips that you can take with you.
The bottom line is, don't judge yourself for having these mixed emotions. Don't think that there's something wrong with you, especially if you're going through a big transition, or you're going through a divorce, or thinking about going through a divorce or changing your job, it is okay. Both can be true. So how do we hold space for both gratitude for all the work we've done to get to where we are, and also compassion for ourselves about the grief or unease we might be feeling during the holidays, or whatever mixed or conflicting emotions that you're feeling. You pick your words, those just happen to be mine.
I think one of the first things that we need to do is normalize that we can hold both gratitude and grief side by side, or whatever two emotions that you are experiencing. Let yourself be sad and give yourself the time you need to process what you are feeling. Accept that you can feel multiple emotions at once. Can help you actually be more honest with yourself about your true feelings and what's going on inside, being okay if you do break down and know that there's nothing wrong with you for experiencing your emotions. So many of us have been told to stop crying, or, Oh, don't make a big deal out of it, or, because, typically, it's the other person that can't handle those emotions.
Take care of yourself and your nervous system. I'm going to go into more details about that in the next section, what I call the create your holiday toolbox, but know that you are right where you're supposed to be, even though you may want to be on the other side of the holidays or on the other side of your divorce or whatever it is on The Other Side of whatever it is that you're experiencing, you are right where you're supposed to be. And sometimes when we don't fight that, and we just accept it, even though we're in the rapids and we're getting tossed and turned and upside down, and every which way, something good will come out of this. If you believe it will. I'll also in the show notes, add you can download my holiday feels guide. I created it a year or two ago, and it can really help you make sense to what you might be feeling and name it. And sometimes, when we can name it, like I talked about last week in my podcast, that helps, and it also helps to get it down and out on paper, I'm going to go through nine different tips to add to your holiday toolbox, so that way your holiday suck just a little less.
First, I want you to create a toolbox of resources that will help you feel more present, more pleasant, playful or curious. I talked about this a little bit in my last podcast, but get a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle and on the left side, write down all the external things that help you feel present, pleasant and playful. So that could be going to the gym, that could be going out and going for a walk with a girlfriend, that could be meeting somebody for coffee or lunch, or maybe a little retail therapy during the holidays. You know, my birthday is right around the holidays, so sometimes it's one for them, one for me, kind of shopping day, but on the other side, write down all the things that will help you internally. So that could be even though yoga is an external thing that can help us internally, maybe that's doing breath work. Maybe that's doing some of the somatic exercises I've shared on the podcast before, such as taking a moment to just become back into the present by feeling the chair underneath you, feeling the feet on the floor, doing a little orienting and looking around your room, that's a great one to come into the present moment that I have shared many times before.
Check in with yourself once or twice a day and check in with your nervous system. Set a reminder on your phone if you need to, and whether it's two minutes or five minutes, just take a minute and check in with the sensations in your body. Are your shoulders up around your near ears? Are you breathing regularly? Can you feel the chair beneath you like I just mentioned about a year ago, maybe a little bit longer a year and a half ago, one of the things that I came to realize was most of the time when I drove, I was holding my breath and I didn't know it. Now I'm aware of it, and I really take the time to check in with myself when I'm driving, to make sure that I'm breathing.
Number three. Don't beat yourself up for feeling what you are feeling again. Lean into what you're experiencing and feeling not away. Give yourself permission to get emotional. Emotions don't make us weak. Emotions make us human, and when we can allow ourself, allow our emotions to emerge, and we can experience them, express them, maybe through a somatic exercise of pushing something away or putting your fist into your hand and then letting go and noticing the sensations. These are all ways we can expel them. And I do have some availability for a couple of my clients completed with me. So I do have some space for other one on one clients. So if that is of interest to you, I'd love to start working with you. If this speaks to you.
Number four, prepare yourself for that person at the dinner table or at that party or the family member who may make that rude comment or disagree with you. When we don't prepare is when we get blindsided, and then when we do get attacked or we get that nasty comment, we aren't prepared, and we react and we get defensive. When we can prepare and prepare what we are going to say to that person, it helps us be less anxious and more present.
When someone does discount your feelings or tell you that you should get over it or move on, they are telling you that they don't have the ability to hold space for you. So instead of responding with you don't understand or that wasn't helpful. Try saying, I get to decide when I'm over it or over this or over them, not you, and just hold your ground.
Set healthy boundaries about how much you commit to and what you don't commit to, if you feel a lack of things that are happening around the holidays.
Number seven is make a new tradition for yourself or with those you love. Maybe that's a fun white elephant party you host with your girlfriends, or host a cookie exchange party or a tree trimming party. Or it could be as simple as put on some boiling water, throw some vanilla, couple of cinnamon sticks in there, some cloves. Maybe you've even add some orange slices and nutmeg and just bring that smell of the holidays into your house. One of the things that I love to do is buy a real Christmas tree. If you celebrate Christmas, there's nothing like the smell of a fresh Christmas tree to really start the holidays off. For me, what is that? For you? What's your thing that really brings you joy and pleasure around the holidays?
Number eight, play your favorite music this time of the year. Music is a great way to lift our spirits. It's also, like I said in last week's podcast, a really great way to help us connect with our emotions. If we're feeling that sadness bubbling up or feeling like we want to release and have a good cry, it works great on both.
And number nine. Lastly, get out in nature. Wherever you live, even going for a short walk can change your perspective. I love going to the mountains. I'm a big skier, but getting out in nature, getting away from all the electronics getting away from zoom our TVs, it gives us the opportunity to change our perspectives, our mindset, and it is so calming for our nervous system.
So just to do a quick recap, there are parts of the holidays that might suck, but there are many ways that we can lean into that and help us move through them with more ease so they suck less. Be okay with our mixed or conflicting emotions. Let's normalize it. Download my holiday feels guide. If that speaks to you, the link will be in the show notes. It can help with you to make sense with what you might be experiencing. Develop a holiday toolbox. Write a list on a piece of paper of internal and external resources that help you feel more present, pleasant and playful. Check in with yourself once or twice a day throughout the holidays. Don't beat yourself up for feeling what you're feeling. Prepare yourself for that person or relative at the dinner table who may make the rude comment or disagree with you. When someone does discount your feelings, be prepared for that as well. With a great response such as, I get to decide when I'm over, it them, or this. Set healthy boundaries around how much you commit to and what you don't, make new traditions for yourself, music, play your favorite music. It's a great way to get in touch with our emotions and lift our spirits and get out in nature. Take that time for that walk. It helps us change our perspective mindset, and so good for our nervous system. And don't forget, reach out to me if you do need some support, I do have availability this November and December, and I hope this helps so the holidays suck a little less for you, and you find a little more freedom within and know that you won't be the only one feeling a range of emotions this holiday. Until next time, free birds.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a free bird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at Lori e james.com to learn how we can work together, or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately, find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act. Also until next time you.
