7 Intentional Steps for Emotional Well-Being After a Breakup - Solo Episode

When a relationship ends, how do you really move through the grief—body, mind, and heart?

In this solo episode, I share my own recent breakup story and how I used somatic practices to walk through the grief process. Because here’s the thing: heartbreak isn’t just emotional—it’s physical too. Our bodies feel the loss, and somatic healing tools can help us soften, ground, and gently move through it.

As a somatic practitioner, I walk you through seven intentional steps that helped me stay present with my feelings and sensations using somatic healing practices and nervous system regulation, so I could process the loss with more awareness, compassion, and even a little ease.

In this conversation, you’ll learn:

• Why feeling your emotions in small, digestible doses makes heartbreak healing manageable.
• Simple ways to create a safe environment that soothes both body and mind during relationship healing.
• The choices that helped me build emotional resilience through somatic awareness
• How a steady routine helps regulate the nervous system.
• The value of working with a trusted somatic practitioner to ease rumination.
• How to protect your energy and set boundaries as you begin dating after a breakup.
• Finding the sweet spot between solitude and connection so you don’t spiral into isolation.
• The secure attachment signs to notice when forming new relationships.
• What it looks like to truly process grief so you can welcome healthier connections.
  
  
  

If you’re moving through the end of a relationship—or still carrying the echoes of one—this episode is your reminder: healing is not only possible, it can feel lighter and more embodied with the right tools and support.

Much love,

Laurie

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Thank you in advance. 

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL, MEDICAL OR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED THERAPIST IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH RESPECT TO ANY MEDICAL ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Transcript

Hi there. It's Laurie. Before we get started on today's solo episode, if you've been enjoying my podcast and are getting something out of it, the best way to let me know is to write a very quick review. It only takes a minute or two of your time, and I would so appreciate it. In return, I'm offering a free guided somatic stabilization, grounding recording that you can do anytime of the day to regulate your nervous system. All you need to do is leave a review in Apple Podcasts and email me a picture of the review you made, and you'll receive my free recording that will help you get started on your healing journey. My email and directions will be in the show notes, and thank you so much in advance, and I'm so grateful you're here, and I hope you enjoy the solo episode that I'm sharing on healing after a breakup.

Welcome to Confessions of a Free Bird podcast. I'm your host, Laurie James, a mother, divorcee, recovering caregiver, the author of Sandwiched: A Memoir of Holding on and Letting Go, a therapy junkie, relationship coach, somatic healer, and now podcaster. I'm a free spirit and here to lift you up. On this podcast, I'll share soulful confessions and empowering conversations with influential experts so you can learn to spread your wings and make the most of your second half. So pop in those earbuds, turn up the volume, and let's get inspired because my mission is to help you create your most joyful, purpose-driven life, one confession at a time.

Hey there, free birds. Welcome back, and thank you so much for being here with me today. Today, I'm going to share with you a very personal episode, not so much to talk about myself, but to show you how powerful somatic healing has been in my life, and how it might help you as well.

Recently, I went through a breakup after a three-and-a-half-year relationship, and while that ending was painful, my healing process this time was very different than my marriage. And I credit that to many of the somatic tools that I've learned along the way, not only just in my own personal experience with my somatic practitioner, but also through my training and through teaching. Because I do believe working with other people and teaching these skills to others helps to hone in my own skills.

So in this episode, I'm going to cover a quick background of my relationship and why it ended, the seven tools I used and still use to support my healing, how this breakup felt different than leaving my marriage years ago because of how I handled it, how my triggers have shifted, and the lessons I'm carrying forward, hopefully into my future relationships or relationship.

So let's dive in, Free Birds, a little bit about the background. So my recent ex, the guy I dated for six and a half years, was a good man, and he had a very kind heart, but over time, I realized we handled communication and conflict very differently. I had already done a lot of personal healing during and after my marriage, and I continued to deepen that through my two and a half years of somatic training. He was earlier on in his healing journey and struggled more with conflict, and eventually that repeated disconnect took its toll on us. And this isn't to say that I was perfect in the relationship because I wasn't.

When he'd pull away, I'd often try harder to connect us, to repair, to continuously bring up the issue, to try and have the conversation, resolve it. And this is my take on it. He might say something different, but I think that shut him down even more. But one thing I've learned is to see breakups as growth, not as failures. This relationship was an upgrade from my marriage, which I'm grateful for. Progress is worth celebrating. So in between my tears, I am trying to celebrate that and remind myself that this relationship was much better in a lot of ways than my marriage, but it's not ultimately what I'm hoping to land on.

So here are my seven steps that helped me heal that were in my healing toolbox. I'll call it. The first one was connect with safe people. I called my closest girlfriends who could listen without judgment or trying to fix me, and that allowed me to feel validated and seen, and that is so important. Connection with others is a primary need of ours and our nervous system. We as humans are wired for connection, and it's important to feel safe with those you first call and again who can validate that experience and not tell you what you did wrong. And one friend in particular said you were in such a different place than you were when you left your marriage. And yes, a marriage is very different. It was much longer, but I was in a much better place because I have been regulating my nervous system.

Two, I created a cozy cocoon for myself. What does that mean? I spent time at home in a space that I felt safe, warm, comfortable, and calming, and that makes a huge difference. When people come over to my house, they often comment on my space and how inviting it is and how welcoming it is. And if you don't live alone and you're healing from something, whether it's a loss of a loved one, or you happen to still be living with your ex, create a space that is all yours, whether that's a she shed out in the backyard or just a separate room, and make it yours because it's so important for us to create an environment that feels cozy, warm, like you're being wrapped in a warm, soft blanket while we're healing.

Number three, to feel and release our emotions. This is something that is not taught. We are often taught to move away from what feels uncomfortable, to move away from our feelings and our emotions. But I have learned through my very long healing process that continues that when we feel big feelings bubbling up, we need to allow ourselves to move through them, and sometimes that might take some provoking so that might take some music or a movie to help. But you can kind of feel it when it's bubbling up into your chest and into your throat. But we want to process this in small doses. In the somatic world, we call this titration. We want to do it in slow doses because it's gentler on the nervous system, because you already have had a big, overwhelming experience. We don't want to overwhelm the nervous system again.

Number four, keep a consistent routine. I kept my workouts. I walk my dog regularly. I made sure I was seeing friends, and I would reach out to them even though they might not be reaching out to me. I kept my work that which helped ground me and gave my days structure. This is important so we don't spend too much time ruminating on the relationship and what went wrong and what should have been different, which can be very dysregulating to our nervous system. Our nervous system is afferent, which means that our sensations move from our nervous system up into our head, and then when we ruminate and loop, that is continuously keeping our nervous system dysregulated. Right? So it's an ever fulfilling prophecy. So the more that we can stay regulated in our nervous system, then we don't continue to loop over our thoughts and constantly ruminate over what could have been, what should have been, what we wished would have been different, or what we might have been able to do differently. Yes, we want to learn and take things into our next relationship, but we don't want to stay in that ruminating, looping place because that's dysregulating, and that just keeps us stuck.

Number five, working with a somatic practitioner. I stayed committed to my somatic therapist, and a breakup isn't a time to stop getting support. I made that mistake after I left my marriage, and that is one of the things, one of the many things that I believe landed me in the hospital after I left my marriage. This is a time to lean in, when we're grieving, when we have a loss, when there's a relationship breakup, when there's been betrayal, any of those things. It's a time to lean in and work with somebody to slowly process what is happening that could be working with a therapist, a somatic experiencing practitioner or coach. It's a time to commit.

Number six, balancing your schedule. I learned not to overschedule again. I did that the first time around, and that was a mistake. I'm giving myself space on the weekends to feel and process grief rather than running from it, and I want to note that notice when those emotions and feelings are bubbling up, oftentimes they are going to show up more on especially in the beginning, the days and the times when you would spend with that individual. I know that was certainly true for me, and also, there has been a couple of weekends that I didn't have enough going on, and that left me feeling a little lost and a little lonely. So there is this fine balance, which is often not perfect to find, but notice when you are feeling a little bit more lonely, and don't be afraid of reaching out to others, especially those that you are most comfortable with. Take note of that.

And number seven, prioritize nervous system care. I invested in self care experiences. Fortunately, I had a spa weekend with some girlfriends scheduled. I had a yoga treatment scheduled, and that nourishes my mind, body, and soul.

Hey, Free Birds, I wanted to take a quick pause in our conversation to share something I've created just for you. If you've been curious about nervous system regulation, but aren't sure where to start, I put together a nervous system regulation starter kit, a gentle, practical guide to help you begin feeling safer and more grounded in your body. Inside it, you'll find simple daily practices, easy-to-use worksheets to help you track your nervous system patterns, and three guided somatic practices you can return to again and again. These tools are designed to help you show, not just tell, your nervous system that you're safe in the present moment. It's normally a $59 value, but I'm offering it for just $29 because I want this to be accessible for anyone ready to begin their healing journey. Head to the link in the show notes to grab yours and start feeling more regulated and connected today. Now let's get back to the episode.

So although leaving a 26-year marriage is very different than breaking up after a three-and-a-half-year relationship, here's what was different this time because I was still invested in this relationship. I still cared deeply and loved this individual, but I allowed more time and space for my feelings and emotions to come up. I cocooned and gave myself more time and space to nourish myself and those emotions and feelings. When my emotions did come up, I connected with the sensations in my body to help process them, because the nervous system communicates through sensations in the body. It doesn't know verbal language, so you cannot tell yourself how to be calm. You have to show it. I balanced my schedule instead of overfilling it. This helped me to alleviate the overwhelm that I often felt after I left my marriage. I worked with a somatic practitioner sooner. I actually kept my somatic practitioner, but it took me a while to find a somatic practitioner after I left my marriage, and I had to fall very ill to get there. My body had to shut down for me to eventually do it. And I made self-care a priority, not an afterthought. This helped me stay regulated even when triggers showed up. And yes, they still show up, but from doing this work, they felt so much milder. For example, years ago when someone I was dating pulled away, this was before this last relationship but after my marriage, I spiraled for days. With my recent partner, I just noticed my anxiety, but I could stay regulated and grounded instead of falling apart and lying on my bedroom floor in a fetal position.

So what are my lessons to take forward with me as I think about dating again, which I am not thrilled about, but it's part of the process? My goal is to approach it with more fun and curiosity. I am going to also ask better questions earlier on and tune in to the answers to know if someone has the capacity to stay connected through a rupture or conflict, and maybe if they don't, I'm going to address it sooner and make it more of a priority for me, and if that means breaking things off sooner, yeah, I might do that. I will ask earlier in their relationship what someone learned about themselves in their last relationship to see if they can reflect and learn from their past relationship, because that is so important, and I'll also look for signs that someone has more of a secure attachment or has more secure attachment tendencies.

So what does that mean? That means that they can be present. They can feel a sense of safety inside and feel a sense of safety connecting with you. So they're comfortable when they're with you, and they're also safe and connected when they're not with you. They can easily flow between those two. They can be affectionate and communicate their needs effectively, and they can express what's on their mind, what emotions they're feeling about a certain situation or a disconnect or a rupture, easily.

Most importantly, I've learned this though. When we can make space to fully grieve and to fully process our last relationship, we can create room for healthier relationships and healthier patterns next time. So if you leave your grief incomplete, your nervous system will continue to attract something similar to what you had in the past, which is why doing this work, in my opinion, is so important. So remember, Free Birds, healing is a journey, not a destination. God damn it, and I'm right there with you. I hope you take what helps from my story, adapt it to yourself, and trust that with compassion, so and somatic support, you can move through heartbreak, loss, betrayal, whatever you're going through right now, and come out stronger on the other end. And if you need support, please reach out. I do have my beginner's guide to somatic healing, free guide that you can download. I also have a nervous system starter kit that is priced at $29 right now. It's a $59 value that is packed with great worksheets and three recorded somatic practices that can help get you started on nervous system regulation, and feel free to always reach out to me about any one-on-one openings. So thank you so much, Free Birds, for being here. I hope you found this helpful, and I'll see you next time.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Confessions of a Free Bird. I'm grateful to be in your ears and hearts. If you're interested in becoming a free bird, I'd love to support you. Please check out my website at https://www.laurieejames.com  to learn how we can work together or to sign up for my newsletter so you can receive tips on how to date and relationship differently and ultimately find more freedom and joy in your life. If you found this podcast helpful, please follow or subscribe, rate and review, and share it with friends so they can find more freedom in their second or third act also. Until next time.